


The hole inside of me

by Dimou



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Daddy Issues, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Prostitution, Slow Build, boys being stupid, emotions are difficult, tagging is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 00:11:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3998521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dimou/pseuds/Dimou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Benni struggles to make ends meet. He is forced to use some drastic measures to pay for his tuition fees. He doesn't care though, he doesn't hurt anyone with his actions.</p><p>Mats seemingly has everything: lots of money, nice job and a beautiful girlfriend. Why his life feels so pointless then?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Benni laid on the bed, trying to fight a yawn. He'd had a long day, finishing his essays for the classes and working a shift in the grocery store, but it wasn't over yet. He still had to wrap up this one thing before he could go back home to his own bed and get his well-deserved sleep.

To make matters worse, his tiredness wasn't the only thing bugging him right now. There was the slight pain, the clammy hands holding him, the disgusting smell of an old man's sweat, the horrible mewling sounds, but the clear winner in his list of things he needed to get rid of right now was the itch.

The overused motel linens on top of which he was laying were making his stomach tingle. He was about to get a rash soon. He couldn't exactly start to scratch it now however, so he subtly tried to rub his stomach to the bed. The movement didn't offer any immediate relief for himself, but it apparently was enough for his client. A single grunt and couple of spasms were indicating that Benni's job here was done. The client collapsed on top of him, only to pull up and off a second later. And Benni's itch stopped too, now that he was no longer lazily slammed on to the mattress. 

”Wow, that was great,” the client puffed, getting rid of the condom.

”It sure was, darling,” Benni chirped with a fake smile on his face.

”Same time next week?”

”Looking forward to it!” 

The client put his clothes back on, left a stack of Euros on the nightstand and was out of the door within three minutes, after giving Benni his slap-on-the-ass goodbye. Benni dropped back on the bed with a heavy sigh. He felt tempted to just fall asleep right then and there, but he wasn't _that_ tired.

He slowly got up and started to look for his clothes. He didn't even felt the need to jack off. His Saturday-night regular was one of the most boring, unattractive man he had ever had the misfortune to meet, let alone have sex with. The routine, apathetic act of mating with him was never enough to get Benni hard, and his cold, wrinkly, sweaty hands were a major turn off if ever he saw one. But the perv's need for a boy's ass was Benni's bread and butter so this torturous hour was something he was going to swallow without complaints. 

Benni grabbed the bills from the nightstand. He knew without counting that it was the right amount, this client never offered him any kind of harm. He got out of the motel and started walking towards the parking lot, to the only car where there was someone sitting inside.

”You took your time,” Manu, Benni's personal chauffeur slash bodyguard slash best friend noted.

Benni rolled his eyes. ”I was tired, nearly fell asleep in the middle of it.”

”So as pleasurable as always?” Manu winked.

Benni sneered. ”Indeed. Just get me home please, I have a morning shift tomorrow at the store and I have like six hours to sleep before I need to be up again.”

Manu didn't say anything, just started the car dutifully. Benni was snoring on the passenger seat before he had left the parking lot.

***

It wasn't ideal what he did. Nobody dreamed of being a whore when they grew up, saw it as a viable career option. But it was something that Benni saw as necessary to do. His mom was a single parent, struggling to feed Benni's two younger siblings still living at home, so she couldn't help Benni to pay for his university fees. For a while he had tried working daily at the grocery store, but it had affected his grades too much. Benni was a good student, ambitious, he had big plans for his future career, and wasting it all just so he could sweep some more floors and carry more milk to the shelf wasn't something that he felt particularly thrilled about.

But selling yourself was something that didn't require specific time or place. Benni could do it whenever he had extra time. It wasn't fun, it wasn't always safe, but Benni had learnt to make sacrifices. And it wasn't like he had to do it for the rest of his life, it was just a couple of years before he would graduate and could start making money with a real job.

Benni studied international relations and was perfectly aware that if someone ever found about his extra income activities, he could say goodbye to his career dreams. So he paid special attention to be as discreet about it as possible. It was a good thing he was annoyingly meticulous, it had proven to be quite handy in this matter. He advertised on a web page, nowhere else. He had a prepaid phone reserved only for customer contacts. He never told the customers his real name, or any other personal information that they could recognize him from. He didn't let them pick him up but always came to the meeting points on his own. And he hadn't told about this to anyone else than Manu.

Benni hadn't wanted to tell Manu either, but it hadn't been long before he had realized he really needed someone's help to do this. At first Benni hadn't fully understood the risks that this kind of job brought, but it had come up rather quickly. Benni was no chicken, he could defend himself up to a point, he could cope up even in difficult situations. He was no crybaby either, it took more than a little pain and suffering and mild beating for him to loose his spirits.

It took a particularly violent customer before Benni had to give up and call for Manu to take him to a hospital. Still Benni had tried to keep Manu in the dark, but Manu wasn't stupid, he was having none of it. 

Fortunately Manu was also an understanding person, a good friend. He had offered to help Benni, without judgment, without ever asking anything in return. For a while Benni had tried to repay Manu but he had said that Benni deserved every single penny he made, Manu was just helping him because they were best friends. Benni never failed to be grateful. Just the mere sight of his giant of a friend with fierce eyes and clenched fists was usually enough to make his clients behave themselves. It was nice to get rides from him too, it wasn't always easy to find a way home from the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

Nowadays Manu didn't always tag along with Benni, he only came if Benni was meeting with someone new or with someone he knew could be a handful. And on days when Benni was pushing himself to the limit and Manu didn't trust him to not fall asleep behind the wheel. 

***

It was a peaceful Sunday morning. Mats had slept like a log the following night, finally getting some rest after an excruciating week. It had been a particularly tough week at uni and on top of that, he had been pulling late nights on his internship as well. Mats worked at his father's firm and he usually let Mats concentrate on his studies when needed, but this week there had been some crisis and every pair of hands was needed. Besides, Mats didn't really need good grades, he had quite a secure position waiting for him after he graduated.

But now the deadlines were over, the crisis was handled and Mats was just relaxing. Every part of his body was as limp as could get. Well, maybe not each and every part. Mats had been dreaming, something really nice, his brain couldn't quite remember what the dream was about, but his dick certainly seemed to have no similar problems. Mats wasn't certain if he'd ever had morning erection this demanding. It was bordering painful. He contemplated taking a shower and getting rid of it the old-fashioned way, but he could also wake up his girlfriend. It had been weeks since they last had sex, at least that what Mats thought, he couldn't remember for sure. 

Mats wasn't entirely sure why they weren't having sex with Cathy anymore. It's not like there was anything wrong with her, she was beautiful. Hot even, in the usual standards. There was plenty of what to grab on her body, in all the places people normally liked to grab, and slim curves on all the places where you didn't want extra flesh. She had nice hair, she had petite, feminine features, big eyes, the whole package.

Maybe it was just due to the fact that they had been together for so long. It was just natural that they sometimes preferred sleep over sex, right? Every couple went through these phases? Mats looked at the sleeping form of his girlfriend next to him. She was wearing a tiny laced nightgown in dark purple, a color that suited her really well. One of the straps of the nightgown was slipping down her elbow, revealing the dark pink of her nipple. Her lips were slightly parted, her long eyelashes fanned in a perfect semi-circle to her cheeks and her hair was on a loose braid, the end of which disappeared between her breasts.

The sight was indeed helping his hard-on, but not at all in the way that Mats would've liked. He sighed, got up and headed to the shower.

Mats didn't usually fantasize while wanking. He relied on the age-old, proven method of close your eyes, grab your dick and start stroking. This morning wasn't usual though. The remnants of his dream were still lingering on the edge of his mind, vaguely calling attention. As soon as Mats closed his eyes and let the stream of water wash away all his conscious thoughts, the flashbacks of the dream started taking control. 

A broad chest, equipped with firm muscles and faint hair, shivering beneath his touch, glistening from thin layer of sweat. Above it a fuzzy jaw, further down an impressive set of abs. Strong hands were pulling him closer, cheek against cheek, chest against chest, hips against hips. The stubble on the cheek was rough against him, the heartbeat pumping furiously on the chest was exhilarating. He could place his palm right above it, nothing was on the way. And the abs. They were rubbing against his erection ever so wonderfully. He wanted to rub and rub and rub himself to them as much as possible, as fast as possible.

His counterpart moved the stubbled jaw to tease his neck, adding more tinge with teeth. Also the hands, oh the perfect hands, moved from his side to his backside, finding the curve of his ass and giving it a forceful squeeze. The hands stayed there, helping him to move more in sync with his partner. And while his cock was making contact with the abs, the other's cock was grinding to his thigh. He absolutely loved the double stimulation.

A loud cry brought Mats back to his senses. For a while he struggled to remember what had happened. He was breathing heavily. His legs were shaking. He was jizzing. Mats was pretty sure he had just had an orgasm. That wasn't so bad in itself, quite the contrary, but he had preferred to reach his orgasm while fantasizing about a man, instead of having sex with his girlfriend. That was new.

Sure, Mats checked out guys occasionally, but who didn't? Appreciating handsome men didn't make him gay. And sure, he had kissed a bunch of guys too, but only in spin a bottle and that was part of the rules. But he had only ever been with one person in a more deeper way and that person was Cathy. They had known each other their whole lives, their fathers were business partners and even if it wasn't expected or encouraged that they started dating, both families had been thrilled when it happened.

Mats had been very shy and insecure as a teen, but having known Cathy his whole life, she had been easy to connect with. The natural object of his desires. They had a nice and long relationship, but Mats was a virile young man. Yeah, it was just that. His cave man hormones were activating and telling him to find new victims for his seed because he had been with this one person for so long already. No deeper meaning here. No one had just told the cave men that two guys couldn't make babies.

***

”Erik, can I ask you something?” Mats was having lunch with his best friend, the one to whom he could talk about everything. Erik was busy stuffing food to his mouth, so he just hummed.

”Do you ever... have fantasies...”

Erik gave Mats a pointed look, pretty much saying that everyone had fantasies.

”About men?”

Erik started coughing violently, choking on his food.

”I mean it's perfectly normal, right? Everyone has them on time to time?”

Erik was taking huge gulps of his water.

”It doesn't make me gay, right? I mean, I have a girlfriend and everything.” Mats was kneading his hands, anxiously looking at Erik.

”Mats, I'm pretty sure that if you took a poll, you'd find a quite strong correlation between sexual orientation and the gender of one's fantasies.” Erik was beating his own chest.

”But I have a girlfriend!”

”And where was this lovely girlfriend of yours while you were having gay fantasies?”

”Well...” Mats was getting more nervous than ever.

”Yes?” Erik drawled.

”She was sleeping. The first time.”

Erik lifted an eyebrow.

”And shopping the second time. And visiting her friend the third time.”

”So you're saying that you've made a habit of picturing yourself having a great time with guys while Cathy's nowhere around, but you're still perfectly straight?”

”Yes.” Mats was avoiding Erik's gaze.

”Oh my god, you're not fantasizing about _me_ , are you?!” It was a good thing Erik had stopped eating, he would surely have swallowed some more food down the wrong pipe.

”No, of course not!” Mats exclaimed a bit annoyed. ”It's just... guys, in general. No one that I know.” Mats blushed furiously. He would not in a million years tell Erik about Marco Reus, the star of the city's football team and most of his daydreams. Erik would make fun of him for the rest of their lives.

”And when's the last time you've had such fantasies about women? Or when's the last time you had sex with Cathy?”

”Umm... A while?”

”Then my verdict is clear.” Erik crossed his arms and leaned back on his chair.

”No! You need more proof, that's not enough!” Mats tried to plea for mercy.

Erik huffed. ”Fine. What do you think about that girl?” Erik pointed and Mats turned to look. She was blond, rather short but equipped with a nice pair of knockers. Mats studied her for a while, eyes roaming, a thoughtful look on his face.

”Her hair's pretty,” Mats shrugged.

”Her hair's pretty?! That's all you got to say?” Erik exclaimed.

Mats turned to look again. ”Too much make-up for my liking.”

Erik stared at him like he'd just declared he was actually born on Mars.

”Umm, okay.” Erik was a bit baffled, but he started to look around, trying to find new object of rating. ”How about that one then, the redhead?” 

The redhead in question was pretty much the opposite of the blond. She was tall and lean, skinny even, lacking all the usual womanly body assets, but something in her just screamed sexiness. Mats wouldn't be surprised if he ever saw her face in some fashion magazine.

”She's pretty, yeah, but rather scary too, if I'm honest. Too confident.”

”Pretty but scary, right. Then the guy in a leather jacket.” Erik cocked his head to the right, beginnings of a smug grin on his face.

Mats averted his gaze from Erik to the guy. He was walking towards their table and Mats kept his eyes on him the whole time, even turned to look after him once he passed the table.

”Broad chest, nice stubble, emphasizes his jawline just the right way, great hair, strong looking arms and he even has a lovely little –”

Mats turned his head back to Erik so fast he nearly broke his neck, eyes as big as saucers, his hands gripping the edge of the table.

”OhmygodI'msogay.” Mats looked horrified. Erik burst into a fit of laughter.

”Erik! I can't be gay!” Mats was whisper shouting. He was suddenly very aware that they were sitting in the middle of the uni cafeteria.

”Why not? There's nothing wrong about it, Mats.” Erik had trouble stop laughing.

”Yeah, but I –”

”Don't say that you have a girlfriend.”

”Okay, umm, then I'm going to say that I'm over 20 years old, one is supposed to know whatever floats their boats by then.” Mats felt he was soon going to have a panic attack.

”Who says that?”

”Everyone.”

”Same 'everyone' that have wet dreams about guys?”

Mats rolled his eyes, Erik was officially the most annoying human being on Earth. And the bastard was even enjoying this, the smug look hadn't faltered for a second.

”You just took your time 'cause you were in a relationship.” Despite his smugness, Erik did feel a little pity for Mats too. Poor guy had obviously been utterly unaware that he had a habit of staring hunks on a regular basis. And he just wouldn't shut up about Marco Reus and his hair. Erik had always thought that Mats was bi, but apparently Mats hadn't had similar thoughts.

”But what do I do now?” Mats got rid of his annoyance quickly, he was too anxious to find at least some advice. He leaned over the table, looking expectantly at Erik.

Erik's face twisted with a wicked grin. 

”Ever heard of the infamous experimental phase?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kids, don't sell yourselves to pay for your education. Get a student loan instead.


	2. Chapter 2

Benni was down on his knees, sucking a horrible, old, wrinkly little cock. All sort of things were racing on his mind, from the birthday present of his little brother to the exams coming in two weeks, but mainly he was focused on the horrific taste of the condom. Benni was fierce about protection, he never agreed to have sex without a condom with customers, no matter how much they offered to pay him. He could risk his reputation for the sake of money, but not his health. 

Benni detested the dull taste of plain latex, so he had bought flavoured condoms instead, a big batch of strawberry and some cherries. They sounded good, had even tasted all right for a while, but now he couldn't even think about them, the icky taste of essence making him gag. He would definitely need to buy some other flavours if he were to continue his occupation successfully. Vanilla could work, it shouldn't be too sweet. Chocolate sounded nice too, but it might be too rich in flavour. Something fresh, like kiwi, was probably ideal. Were there kiwi flavoured condoms available? Benni wasn't sure. He knew there were mint flavoured ones, but he didn't like them either, they tasted too much like toothpaste. He had even come by cola flavoured ones, that was just plain wrong. Who wanted a dick that tasted like soda?

Then again, Benni was getting desperate. Even cola would be better than this sickening strawberry. Though with this proud specimen in his mouth, he doubted that even kiwi could make it bearable.

Benni wanted to sigh. He was usually excellent at giving head, it was something he even enjoyed to do. This guy though was the unfortunate exception to the rule, his dick would've disgusted Benni even through layers of ice-cream and caramel syrup. He wanted this to be over as soon as possible, so he stopped all his movements, flicked his gaze up to meet the eyes of his client and started licking the underside of the dick from base towards the head, inviting the client to fuck him to the mouth. Maybe he'd come sooner that way.

And sure enough, with a few grunts and violent thrusts the customer filled the strawberry condom. Benni had never been happier. Now he could go home, call Julian and coat _his_ dick in ice-cream and caramel syrup. That should be fun.

***

”Erik, I'm not sure if this is such a good idea.”

”Mats! Don't chicken out now, we're almost there.”

”In my opinion this is a perfect time to chicken out.”

Mats and Erik were sitting in Mats' car, looking at a door across the street. It was a Friday night, they were dressed to impress and during the week Erik's enthusiasm and encouragement had made Mats rather look forward to this evening. Right now he was mortified though. Stepping through the door could very much change his whole life. All sorts of kinky and greasy men would encircle him, fuck him with their eyes, some would maybe even try to fuck him with something else than just eyes, they'd kiss him and grope him and whisper dirty things to his ear.

Or worse, no one would even give him a second glance.

”It'll be fine, Mats. You'll just check the situation so to say, dance a little, maybe kiss someone.”

”What if no one wants to kiss me?” 

Mats checked himself from the rear-view mirror. He was plain looking, average at best, with his short hair and craggy features. His eyes were small and set too deep, his brows were straight Neanderthalian. And don't get him started on his nose. Maybe his hair would've looked better if it was longer, but it was also curly and super hard to keep in order. Mats had found out that in order to pass the smart office look it was easier to keep it short. It was the same reason why he shaved every morning, but 'the smart office look' was hardly something that would be appealing when clubbing. At least he was tall, and he worked out, that was bound to be a plus, right?

”Just find someone who's really drunk, they always want to kiss,” Erik answered with an innocent smile, stepping out of the car.

Mats huffed. He may or may not have had similar meltdowns during the whole evening, so trust it to Erik to start joking about it at some point. With one last nervous sigh, he followed his friend.

Erik had actually been really nice about everything. He had suggested that Mats should go to a gay club to find some random hook-up and test his sexuality, he had even offered to accompany Mats despite the awkward attention he himself would encounter at all-male audience. Erik had just the right kind of innocent, blushing baby face that would attract guys like honey. 

They entered the club, Mats took a couple of beers to loosen his nerves and tried to embrace the experimental phase of every college kid.

***

”Erik, I was just wondering...” Mats was playing with the straw of his drink, trying to look at everywhere else than the dance floor filled to the brim with guys in tight shirts.

”Yeah?”

”Even if I kiss someone, how will I know if I like it?”

Erik gave him the not-worth-of-answering look.

”I mean, if I _like_ like it. Like... that way.”

”Mats, I don't know if you've heard, but there's this thing between your legs that's a pretty good indicator in situations like these.” Honestly, Erik tried to be supportive, but sometimes Mats was just plain stupid.

”Just because I get turned on by someone, doesn't mean that I'll like having sex with him.” Mats wasn't sure if he was making a valid point or not.

”So take him to the bathroom stall and test,” Erik grinned. He knew that Mats was somewhat serious in his ponderings, but he had found out that joking was a rather good way to make him forget about his fears.

”What about Cathy? I mean, kissing is one thing, but I don't know if I want to cheat her,” Mats confessed, rather embarrassed, biting his lips. He hadn't thought Cathy all that much, but no matter if he wanted to be her boyfriend or not, he still wanted to be her friend. He wasn't sure if cheating her with some random guy in a club bathroom was the best way to ensure that.

This was getting too serious even for Erik to jest about. He leaned closer to Mats over the table they were sitting at, touched his arm and took the most serious yet understanding look he could muster, considering the time of the night and the drinks he'd had.

”Look, Mats. I'm not saying this is morally easy. But is it right either that you keep having a relationship with Cathy like none of your resent findings didn't matter? If you keep it up, even though you now know that you probably don't love her, isn't that lying too? Doesn't she deserve someone who loves her?”

Mats lowered his gaze to the table in shame.

”And you deserve someone to love too. You deserve to be happy. Are you happy with Cathy?”

That's the thing. Mats wasn't sure. Everything in their relationship was just the way it had always been. Nothing specifically great but nothing bad either. Mats lifted his gaze back to Erik, with the most lost expression on his eyes. He was such a horrible person. He had run away to a gay bar the instant he got a bit bored on his relationship. He hadn't even talked with Cathy about their problems. Erik could see the inner turmoil taking place in Mats' head, tried to console him even more.

”It's not your fault that you don't love her anymore. Hell, it's not your fault that you don't love women at all. You guys were just kids when you got together. Who knows anything about love when they're sixteen? But you do owe it to both of you that you figure this out for good. When you know for sure, then you can better judge what to do with Cathy.”

Mats smiled a little. Erik really was a great friend.

”I guess you're right. But stop touching me, everyone thinks we're a couple.”

***

In the end Mats and Erik ended up having a rather nice evening, but one that didn't fulfill its original purpose. Mats talked with a couple of guys, even danced a while with one, but didn't feel connected enough with them to go any further, as he explained to Erik. In truth he was terrified though. He didn't have the confidence to seduce anyone and he didn't know what to do if someone tried to seduce him. Virginity was a major turn off in the world of one-night stands and Mats was sure any potential partners would run away as fast as possible once it was certain he didn't have the slightest clue about what he was supposed to do. Experimenting had been a good idea, but actually going through with it was a totally different matter.

Mats contemplated his problem for days. He needed someone who would know exactly what they were doing and who wouldn't back off no matter what. Someone who was easy to hit on.

It started as a joke, or as a last desperate act in the middle of the night. He couldn't get any sleep from his ponderings, so he got up, opened the Internet browser and started googling various online dating sites. Two hours later he finally stumbled upon something, that to his delirious brain sounded just the perfect solution for his dilemma. A hooker. Hookers had sex all the time, so they obviously knew all the kinky secrets that Mats wanted to learn too, and they would wave off his virginity as long as he had money. Oh, and money he had, there were some perks of being the son of a wealthy business owner.

Mats was tempted to call the guy immediately. It was three in the morning however, maybe even hookers were asleep at that time of the night. There was always the risk though that come morning, he wouldn't have the courage anymore. Mats took the number on the website to his phone, tiptoed to the balcony so he wouldn't wake Cathy up and pressed dial.

And pressed cancel just a second later. What the hell was he doing? Calling a hooker, at the wee hours of the morning, when he was horny and suffering from sleep deprivation. Yes, he very desperately wanted to have sex with a man, but not that desperately. For crying out loud, he wasn't seventy years old, he could very well pick someone up from a bar.

 

Two weeks later, Mats still hadn't worked up the nerve to get some action. Instead, he had found himself eyeing the number of this hooker he'd found, Roman, fingers hovering ever so close to the green button on his phone. 

On a Friday evening, Erik had yet again tried to persuade him to come to the gay bars. Mats didn't want to go anymore though, each time he visited proving to be less fruitful than the other. Instead he had stayed home, alone, Cathy gone somewhere with her friends. Mats had downed a few beers and tried to get a grip of himself. The hooker was his only viable option, no matter how sad it made his situation. 

He needed to have closure on this. Couple of days ago they'd had sex with Cathy and it had been okay. Mats was fine with okay, he could live with it, but he needed to know if life could offer him something a bit more too. Without thinking it too much, he reached for his phone and called Roman.

***

Benni cooed and giggled and rolled his eyes. It was one of those calls, again. A bit drunk, a very nervous man who happened to be straight, thank you very much, but it didn't hurt to try something else for a change, especially because the missus only wanted it to the usual hole, and preferably with the pool boy at that.

Benni knew the type perfectly. Some dirty old pervert, so scared and ashamed of his own fantasies about sticking their cocks into some pretty boy's ass that they would most likely have difficulties about getting it up and working once the opportunity would finally present itself. And once Benni would get them hard, after what would seem like an eternity of endless demonstration of his finest cock sucking skills, they would be so excited about fulfilling their shameless daydreams that it would probably only take five thrusts for them to come undone. It would in no means be enjoyable to him, but it came with the job description.

And what would come afterwards... In Benni's experience three things could happen. Most likely the guy would flee from the scene as soon as possible, ashamed and embarrassed, but so intrigued that they would call Benni again the next day and the day after that and the day after that. The more confident ones would try to spend some time with him and would in all likelihood want to tell him their life story, about how they always knew they were into guys but the society and their parents and what-not threw them into the conventional relationship, wife and two kids and a golden retriever and a lawn mower and holidays in Thailand once a year. But now, after this, they felt free, like themselves for the first time ever, and would Benni perhaps like to hear the whole spectrum of feelings they right now had?

As annoying as those two options were, they were far better than the third possibility. Benni could deal with over-enthusiast clients, had developed quite the skills to avoid being a therapist but with those third options, he needed help. Fortunately they were the least frequent of them all, but still. The caller hadn't seemed like that kind of person, but you never really knew for certain who were those people who got frustrated after their less than average performances and relied to violence to feel better about themselves. Like it was Benni's fault that they couldn't get it up, like it was Benni's fault that the sight of a bent ass in front of them made them come in a matter of seconds. Benni would definitely need to bring Manu along for the meeting.

***

Mats ended the call and sighed from happiness. Why on earth had he waited this long before calling Roman? He sounded like the perfect guy for him, the perfect teacher to the world of more-than-okay. He sounded confident, like he knew exactly what he was doing and what Mats needed. And he had sounded – nice. Understanding. Mats wasn't feeling anxious at all any more. He was rather looking forward to meeting Roman. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I searched from three different condom suppliers, but none of them sold kiwi flavoured condoms. There's some serious product improvement needed here.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just pure sex, and I'm not even sorry about it. Enjoy :)

Benni felt trapped in a cage. He was sitting at the lobby of a fancy hotel, the receptionist behind the counter eyeing him suspiciously. Benni knew he seemed out of place, and arguably he was, but this was where he had agreed to meet his newest customer.

Benni always let the customers decide where they wanted to fuck, it didn't really matter to him as long as it was not at his apartment, but this place? Yeah, it was a nice hotel, but who wanted a nice hotel when they were about to fuck some stranger? Wasn't a bed and a shower enough? 

He had never been in a such fancy hotel before. Even though many of his customers could most likely afford to have a room from them, there was an unmatched sense of privacy in the shady motels at the outskirts of town. Entering a hotel room in the middle of a city with a younger man in tow and exiting a few hours later, with an unmistakable flush was just asking for trouble. Everyone would guess what they were about to do, the staff giving them disapproving looks, the other guests raising their eyebrows at them. Benni hoped that no one that he knew would see him.

Benni kept staring at the revolving doors letting people in to the hotel. He didn't know what the client looked like but at this point he didn't care. He just wanted someone, anyone, to come and meet him, the receptionist was bound to start asking him some questions soon. 

At least he wasn't the only twenty-something college boy here. Right now someone just like him entered the lobby, swept his gaze through it and determinedly started to walk towards him. Benni sighed in relief, maybe he could talk to this guy until his client showed up, maybe the staff wouldn't bother him then.

Benni was about to say something to the boy when he opened his mouth instead.

”Hi, are you Roman?”

Benni stared at him. Was _this_ his client? This twenty-something college boy? This guy in washed-up jeans and sneakers and a baseball cap? Not trusting his voice, Benni simply nodded. The boy showed him a shy smile.

”Great. Shall we get our room then?”

Benni nodded again, rose up and followed the guy to the counter. Unbelievable. He had expected someone at least twenty years older. Someone who was balding, someone who had a bit of a belly from too much beer. Not in a million years would he have thought that someone close to his own age would buy sex.

Benni stood silent as the guy chatted with the receptionist and started off towards the elevators once he was handed the key to their room. They waited the elevator in silence, stepped inside it in silence, rode to their floor in silence. Not until they were inside their room could Benni open his mouth again. And still it wasn't very smooth, not the usual easy-going rambling of Roman but rather puzzled amazement of Benni.

”So... What do you want?”

The client blushed slightly for his straight-forwardness, shifted his gaze to his feet.

”Umm, you know, I have a girlfriend...”

Figures.

”But, but I've been thinking lately that maybe, uh, I'm more into guys...”

Surprisingly honest.

”And I, I want to test it out, you know, to be sure...”

Like you don't know your sexuality without actually having sex.

”I tried picking up guys from clubs but it wasn't really my thing...”

But buying a hooker is?

”So, uh, here I am.”

The guy looked at Benni below his eyelashes, a nervous smile on his face. He was kneading his own hands, bouncing a little on his toes, crouching his shoulders down. Benni really tried to give him some other look than mouth hanging open and eyebrows buried beneath his bangs, but failed miserably.

”You want to lose your virginity,” he stated, again with all the graze and subtlety he could muster.

”Well, yeah, in a sense, yeah, pretty much,” the client laughed nervously.

”With a hooker.”

”Yeah, you see, that taking a stranger to my home thing wasn't really for me, I tried it out but it just felt so wrong and –” The client started rambling, emphasizing his story with wild hand movements.

”So you thought that buying sex from a stranger in a hotel is a better option,” Benni deadpanned.

”Well, when you put it like that...” The poor boy once again reverted into shyness.

”How else am I supposed to put it? I'm a hooker. You're paying me to have sex with you. And you think this is a better option than picking someone up from a bar.”

”I uh...”

Benni got mad. He got really mad. This guy had it all. He clearly didn't have a shortage of money if he could afford a hooker, he had a great taste of style and fancy clothes, and he oozed the kind of innocence and sweetness that would attract gay guys, they would be swarming around him like flies. Sure, he was a little rough on the edges when it came to looks, but there was nothing unsettling in him, nothing ugly, nothing that the dimness of a bar couldn't hide. In fact, he would probably look just edible in that kind of lighting, he had really nice features. But no, he was too shy, too insecure, so now Benni needed to show him all the trade secrets of being gay. Because going to a bar 'wasn't his thing'.

”Are you sure you want to do this?” Benni asked, maybe a bit more anger in his voice than necessary.

”Yea, yeah, totally...” The guy sounded anything but sure.

”Are you absolutely positive?” Benni asked harshly. He started walking briskly towards the client.

Benni was probably a little shorter than him, but now he was towering over the poor boy, for his anger made him stand as straight as a stick, as his shyness made him crouch a little. 

Mats bit his lips and averted his gaze from Roman to the floor.

”Yeah, I want to try it out, and I really don't mean any offence to you...” Mats dared a peak at Roman under his lashes.

”So you really want to do this, huh?” Benni started shoving the client towards the wall behind his back. 

”You want to do this? You want to try a little faggot and go home back to your girlfriend afterwards? You want a taste of tight ass first before you can adequately satisfy her?”

Mats' back met the wall with a loud thump. Roman kept him in place with his left arm across Mats' chest and started to undo his buttons with his right, all the while staring Mats furiously into his eyes. 

”This is what you want, this is what you really want?”

”Y-yes,” Mats managed to mumble. He had a little trouble breathing, with Roman holding him so tightly to the wall. And the fact that Roman was now fisting him wasn't actually helping. It was rough, it was bordering violent, it was dancing on the edge of unbearable pain and unimaginable pleasure and Mats couldn't do anything else than love it.

Benni didn't know what he was doing. He was jacking off this virgin like there was no tomorrow, all the while shouting and growling to him if he really wanted to do this. It seemed kind of pointless, the client had trouble standing up on his shivering legs, was panting through his wide-open mouth and was fluttering his eyelashes, like he really wanted to see Benni's hand but just couldn't keep his eyes open no matter what, so quite obviously he really wanted to do this. And Benni would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy it a little too. Still, he couldn't help but question his actions. He hadn't told this customer his ground rules, they hadn't discussed about payment, and this was becoming way too intimate for professional sex. Benni really wanted to suck and bite this neck in front of him, shimmering with a thin layer of sweat, looking so tempting with that Adam's apple bobbing up and down in time with heavy breathing.

Mats couldn't believe this. He was pinned between a hard wall and a hot guy, who was doing to him whatever he pleased. His knee was between Mats' thighs, his arm was squeezing his lungs, his voice was grunting harsh words and his hand, oh his hand... It was in Mats' pants, gripping his dick so tight, moving in fast pace all along him, squeezing at the base and sliding to palm the swollen head. Mats was still fully clothed so there wasn't much room for the hand and there wasn't any kind of lubricant between it and his dick but none of it mattered. In fact, it maybe made it that much better. This Roman guy, he was clearly an expert on manly pleasures, Mats had made an excellent choice when hiring him. And yeah, he was definitely gay, no question about it anymore. 

Mats really wanted to touch the guy's ass but he got the impression that Roman wouldn't appreciate it very much. He needed something to grab though, right now his fingers were furiously clenching with this wonderful feeling pulsing from everywhere where Roman was touching him. Mats didn't see any other option than scratching the wall behind him. 

Just like Benni expected, it didn't take long for the client to come, hard, all over his jeans. The force of his orgasm made his knees buckle, and though Benni's arm kept his body up and against the wall, his forehead was free to drop to Benni's shoulder. The hot, heaving breath against his chest, even through his shirt, was a bit too much for Benni to bear. He pushed the man away from him.

”Enjoyed that huh, making a mess of yourself. Get those dirty jeans off and go to the shower.”

Poor boy looked a bit out of this world, lost, like he didn't fully understand what Benni was implying so he elaborated.

”Let's get you some of that ass you wanted, hmm?”

With that, Benni turned around, walked to the bed and started removing his shirt and shoes. The client got the hint, headed for the bathroom. Benni waited until he heard the door close before he took his phone and texted Manu their room number and telling that everything was going smoothly so far. Though things were pretty far off from smooth. He was not acting like he was supposed to. No, scratch that, he _was_ acting like himself, that was the problem. He needed to act more like Roman. It wouldn't be healthy to think there was anything more to this than just paid sex. They probably wouldn't even see each other after this.

Benni gave the client some time to catch his breath, and some time for himself to get his thoughts in order. He removed the bed covers in case they wanted to use it later, ate the little chocolates from the pillows, prepared himself to be taken, took the condoms and headed to the bathroom as well.

Mats was a little surprised to see Roman following him. He had though he was just supposed to wash himself before any action took place, and his assumptions were strengthen by the fact that Roman had stayed in the bedroom rather a long time. But here he was now, walking towards him, wearing the most seductive smile Mats had ever seen.

”Need help getting back up again, sugar?”

Honestly, the dirty look on Roman's face would have been enough to get Mats hard, but he certainly didn't mind Roman taking a hold of him, stroking him gently, helping him into a condom. And when Roman knelt down and took him into his mouth, Mats was left gasping. Roman had changed completely while Mats had been showering. He was now smiling, flirting, pleasing and god was he great at blowing. Mats didn't trust himself not to come if Roman continued sucking him, so he lifted the boy up from the floor, turned him around and started pushing himself into the delicious ass in front of him with the help of Roman's guidance.

Benni loved having sex in the shower. There was just something about it, having hot water pouring over yourself while having an even hotter body pressed to you, slamming to you with force, using shower gel as lube. The slapping noises that two wet bodies meeting each other produced made him close his eyes from pleasure. This time it was even better than normal, the client was doing everything Benni told him to do, obeying his every little order meticulously. Usually it was the other way around, Benni fulfilling the wishes of the clients, but this time, for reasons that were still a bit hazy for Benni, he had wound up being in charge. The client didn't seem to have any complaints though. Maybe Benni would even get paid extra, the client seemed to _really_ enjoy himself.

The water, the noises and the surprisingly young and lean body behind him made Benni enjoy himself too, to the point where he realized that he didn't have to fake the moans coming out of his mouth. And when the client found his prostate, he couldn't help but lean his forehead to the tiles in order to keep standing. His cock was hard, fully erect, something that hadn't happened with a client since god knows when. Benni was contemplating whether he should start jacking himself off, most clients didn't mind that, when he felt a hand on his dick. His eyes shot open. Both of his own hands were definitely pressed against the walls. Benni had to take a look to really believe that there indeed was a hand around him, the big, dark and strong hand of his client, sliding up and down, squeezing.

If getting this hard with a client was something that hadn't happened in ages, getting a handjob from a client was something that had never happened before, ever. People who paid for sex just didn't care if the hole beneath them came too. Some of them didn't even want to think about that Benni had a dick in the first place, preferring to stay as far away from it as possible, for the fear of appearing too gay if they surrendered to their inner desires to touch it. But this guy, a guy who claimed that he had never touched anyone else than himself, was eagerly jacking off his paid whore. Benni didn't know what else he was supposed to do than stare the hand, moving up and down his cock in a rapid pace. He kept watching, staring, and it was a good thing too, otherwise he might not have realized that he came. He felt too incredulous and confused to understand that he felt amazing as well, the white jets pulsing through his dick were the only proof about his orgasm that he registered.

He had just come with the help of his client's hand. This was not right. But oh, this was _so_ right.

Mats was ready to slap himself. Why on earth had he waited so long to try this? This was far better than anything else before, miles ahead of anything he had ever done with a woman. There was no high pitched squeaks but low grunts. There was no soft curves but hard muscles. And those muscles, god, Mats felt hypnotized, watching Roman's biceps struggle to keep the walls up, seeing his back muscles work to meet his thrusts. There was no long hair to come in the way of everything interesting, no long nails to scratch him nastily. No, everything was perfect, just the way it was meant to be.

He was loving the tight ass around him, the friction was heavenly, but he wanted to try something else too. Something that wouldn't leave any doubt on his mind about his orientation. Mats mustered up all his courage, stole a glance on the dripping wet jaw with short stubble on it and made his move, embolden by that arousing sight. He lifted his right hand from Roman's hip and closed it around his dick instead. Roman let out a little gasp.

Oh, he was so gay. And god, was it good.

Mats kept on pushing and started to move his hand in the same rhythm as well. It was different, to have someone else between his fingers, but it certainly wasn't bad, no, quite the opposite. Mats was intoxicated, knowing for a fact that this felt good for the receiver. With girls he didn't have anything else than just their words, that oh yes, this is great babe, keep on going. And even if Roman didn't like the exact same stuff that Mats, there was some rock-hard evidence in his hands that he was doing something right.

Mats was determined to see some more evidence. He gripped just a bit tighter, pushed in just a bit harder, moved Roman so that the hot water hit his lower abdomen. And sure enough, it didn't take long for Mats to see the evidence he graved. The feeling was overwhelming and that together with Roman's moans and his pulsing channel made Mats forget about everything except immeasurable pleasure, made the universe revolve around the boy in front of him, made him see nothing but countless stars, made him feel nothing but pure bliss.

The client was coming. Benni was biting his lower lips as hard as humanly possible. He would not start screaming his name, no matter how good it might feel to. He wasn't even sure why he knew this client's name. That was in no means important information.

The client seemed to take forever to come down from his high, even despite his earlier orgasm. He was still holding Benni's cock loosely in his right hand and pulled him still a bit closer with his left hand around Benni's stomach, rubbing absentmindedly his abs at the same time. He was nuzzling Benni's hair, breathing hot and heavily into his neck and Benni just couldn't take it anymore. He should go buy a teddy bear if he wanted to cuddle, Benni was not here to do that.

Benni gently pulled himself off from the client's embrace, turned to give him a strained smile and pushed him a bit further away. Yeah, he loved shower sex, but he hadn't exactly thought this through. Now he needed to actually shower with this guy. Benni prayed to every god there was that the client didn't have any plans about soaping him.

Mats felt the strong hands of Roman helping him to lean back to the wall. He felt utterly spent, and utterly excited too, and he appreciated Roman giving him space to catch his breath and gather his thoughts. He couldn't help but sport the goofiest of grins when he thought about what had just happened. He had just had sex. With a man. And oh, it had been so much more than just okay.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter chapter this time, but after this the fun starts :)

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Idiot, moron, imbecile. 

Benni was furiously drying his hair, already regretting what he had done with the client. Yes, it had been nice, really nice, but customer encounters weren't supposed to be, not to him anyway. He wanted to keep business and pleasure away from each other, his personal and professional lives separate. He never kissed his customers, never looked them in the eyes, didn't call them by their names, didn't do anything that could be interpreted too intimate or emotional while fucking. Those actions were reserved for the people Benni actually wanted to have sex with. He didn't have a boyfriend right now, hadn't had one in a long time, but he still wanted to keep these two parts of his life apart. It would not be good to develop a crush for someone who was paying him for sex, or have someone who was paying him to develop feelings for him.

Benni was texting Manu that everything was still going fine when the client emerged from the bathroom, towel wrapped loosely around his hips. He walked straight to the minibar, didn't bat an eye for the fact that Benni was on his phone, grabbed two beers and handed the other one to Benni without saying a word, slumped to the bed next to him, let out the most content of sighs Benni had ever heard. 

He had the dorkiest expression on his face, dreamy and satisfied and a bright smile he didn't even try to suppress. Judging by the look, Benni already knew the answer to his question, but he felt the need to ask it anyway. Was it politeness, was it awkwardness, was it just trying to apologize his earlier, rather rude behavior, he didn't know, he didn't care. He just felt the need to talk to this guy for a while.

”So, how was it?” Benni asked, playing with his bottle of beer. He didn't dare to open it.

Benni would have thought it to be impossible, but the client's smile spread even wider and he let out a little chuckle.

”Great. Just – great.” He was staring at the ceiling dreamily, when all of a sudden he seemed to think about something and turned to face Benni with a concerned look. ”Hey, sorry if I offended you earlier, I didn't mean to.”

Seriously, what was wrong with this guy? He was worried about a hooker's feelings!

”Don't worry sweetheart, you didn't,” Roman answered, truthfully. ”Are you up for a round three?”

The customer turned back to staring at the ceiling, grinning. ”Not sure I can even move my finger right now, let alone some other parts.”

Benni laughed with him politely. And again the client turned serious in a matter of seconds. He really seemed to have problems concentrating on just one feeling. Such mood swings were rather concerning, really.

”Do you think you could spend the night here? I mean, we don't have to check out before noon tomorrow. And... And it might be fun to have the third round in the morning,” the client suggested sheepishly.

Okay, Benni had had it. There weren't many things he wasn't willing to do for money, but sleeping in the same bed with his client was definitely on the list. Nothing good could come out of it, it would just lead to cuddling and spooning and good-morning kisses and all sorts of other questionable actions. Benni wanted to shout his face off to this idiot for even thinking about something so stupid, but he settled for giggling instead, hoping the client wouldn't get mad that way.

”Oh, honey, you can't afford an all-nighter with me.”

”Well how much is it? I can go draw some more cash out.” The poor boy seemed to be in a bit of a panic now.

”I think you should just stay here and rest. You've had an exhausting evening.” Benni started to retreat.

”No, really, I have money.” The client pleaded, crept closer. 

”And that's a good thing, because I'm not planning to give you for free, but I'm not planning on staying the night either.” Benni had real troubles keeping the smile on his face. What a stubborn bitch this guy was!

”But –”

”No buts,” Benni interrupted him. ”Your pretty little girlfriend is surely waiting for you to come home for the night.”

Benni got up from the bed, put his untouchable beer on the night stand and started clothing. 

”But if you ever get bored of her again, just give me a call, darling,” Benni said, against his better judgement.

***

Benni was overwhelmed. He was adequately satisfied in a sexual sense, but much like his client, he craved a good, hard cuddling right now. He enjoyed fucking, he did it a lot, with a lot of different guys, even if you didn't count his clients to the number, but the whole feelings thing just wasn't for him. He wasn't the type of guy who liked snuggling and lovemaking. He didn't want sex to mean anything else than just sex. But right now he needed to kiss someone, badly.

Couple of months back Benni had met this guy, Julian. Julian was wild and adventurous, good looking and hot too, he had the most gorgeous, circumcised dick and just like Benni, he wasn't looking for anything meaningful, anything deeper. Mind-blowing sex was enough for him. Julian was the perfect companion for Benni, especially right now.

Sex between them was casual, without deeper emotions, but still affectionate. They kissed before, during but not after, they sucked hickeys, they bit gently whatever body parts happened to be in front of their mouths. They brushed their hands slowly searching the curves and soft spots of each other's bodies. They carded their fingers through other one's hair. They were crazy, audacious, loud and they were equal. That was everything that Benni needed right now, so he called him right after he got home.

And sure enough, Julian was just as eager to meet Benni. He invited Benni over, grabbed a fistful of his shirt the second the door opened, greeted him with a lick on the ear and started guiding him towards the bedroom. Benni was so looking forward to this, sucking Julian dry.

Benni loves blowing, and doing it without a condom... Instead of that icky taste of flavoured latex, he can taste the musky cock, the salty slit. Instead of rubber, he can feel the velvety surface, all the little veins. Instead of just feeling the other one come, he can taste it, swallow it all. He enjoys the power his skills grant him, enjoys making everyone a stuttering mess just because his mouth is around them. Everyone else than Julian, that is. The fucking brat knows how much Benni takes pride in blowing someone to bliss, so he wants to do everything in his power to prevent Benni's smugness. And unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) he had found the right way to make Benni forget how to use his tongue in its full potential.

Julian is lightly sucking Benni's ear with a grin on his face, clearly scheming something. His hands are roaming all around under Benni's shirt, Benni is opening Julian's belt in order to get more room to squeeze his ass. They don't haste to undress themselves but don't linger on it either, eager to set their eyes on naked, toned bodies, eager to feel skin on skin, erection to erection.

Julian pushes Benni on the bed and climbs after him. He straddles Benni, takes a firm grip of his neck and starts kissing him, wet and slow and dirty, all the while grinning like an idiot, a sparkle on his eyes. Benni knows from that look alone what's on Julian's mind. Julian is going to torture him.

And sure enough, like Julian heard Benni's thoughts, he breaks the kiss with a slight chuckle, lifts himself on all fours and turns around, taking a bruising grip on Benni's hips and pinning his head between his thighs. Benni has just enough time to emit a low moan, before Julian's cock is in his mouth.

Benni tries, he really tries, to give this wonderful cock in his mouth the ministration it deserves, but there's this licking and sucking and nuzzling and very light teeth grazing going along around his own dick, which make him forget about all his talents. Fortunately Julian is a sick bastard, who gets turned on by the power he has over Benni, who loves Benni holding on to his thighs for dear life, loves the vibrations that Benni's muffled moans send to his dick. And who just adores blowing. Feeling Benni's cum hit the back of his throat makes him so delighted that he has to come undone as well, with a happy, loud scream.

Benni feels out of this world, shooting his load to a skillful, warm mouth, all the while trying not to choke on Julian's cum. He presses his fingers even tighter to the firm legs around his head and can't help but think that this is as good as it gets.

***

”Earth to Mats!”

A baffled Mats found a slightly annoyed looking Erik snapping his fingers in front of him.

”Hmm, sorry?”

”What's wrong with you? You've been zoning out on a regular basis for days now.”

Mats looked around him. He was apparently at the uni library, doing a group work with Erik. At least that is where he was physically. Mentally he'd been taking a shower with Roman. He had been taking a lot of mental showers with Roman lately, in the most inconvenient places. This one here at the library was nowhere near as embarrassing as the one he had had at yesterday's team meeting at work, in front of his father and a dozen other important people.

”Umm, you know, just been thinking about this project,” Mats tried to convince Erik with the sweetest of smiles, full of innocence and honesty.

”Uh-huh. And what's the topic of our project?” Erik was having none of Mats' bullshit. There was no way an economics project made a person blush that much.

Mats stared back at Erik with his mouth slightly open. What _was_ their project about? Could he maybe manage to get a peek at their assignment papers without Erik noticing?

”Just call him. Or go talk to him, I don't know how far you've already managed to get on with him.”

Mats tried to laugh off Erik's assumptions. ”What are you talking about, I haven't met anyone.”

Erik snorted. ”Yeah, and I'm the king of England.” Mats was officially the worst at playing innocent.

”Now stop daydreaming and focus. I don't want to fail just because you can't go two minutes without thinking about someone's ass.”

 

Funny enough, the weird encouragement Mats got from Erik made him confident enough to contact Roman again. Mats had wanted to do it but wasn't sure if he should, considering Cathy, considering that it was supposed to be just one time, experimenting, trying out. But it was true that thinking about him, thinking about their encounter had started to affect his everyday life. Maybe he just needed to see Roman, one more time, to get it out of his system. Just once. It couldn't hurt anyone.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday! \o/
> 
> As I'm such an amazing person, I decided to give YOU guys a gift on this very special day. Hopefully it pleases you.

”Hey Roman, guess what.”

”Hmm?” 

Benni was hugging the pillow and resting his eyes a bit after some satisfying fooling around with Mats. Just resting his eyes, not falling asleep. He would get up in a minute. Mats however was as chirpy and talkative as ever. The jerk just seemed to get more energy out from fucking.

”I broke up with my girlfriend.”

Benni opened his eyes, propped himself up on his elbows. Suddenly he wasn't feeling that tired anymore. He looked at Mats, who had a small, wistful smile on his face and who was fiddling with the blanket.

”Should I like apologize or congratulate you?”

Mats turned to look at him, the smile on his face turning into a smirk.

”The latter, I guess. She took it really well, and we promised to stay friends and everything.”

Benni was a bit surprised. He hadn't thought that Mats would actually break up with the girlfriend. None of his clients ever did, no matter what they said. They just wanted to have something on the side. There really wasn't even a need for a break up, because Benni was there to satisfy their sexual needs and girlfriends and wives were fulfilling the duties of a significant other. It was the perfect arrangement. 

”Did you tell her you're gay?” Benni was genuinely curious.

”Yeah,” Mats sneered. ”She didn't even seem that surprised.”

Benni laughed. ”So everyone except you yourself knew.”

”Hey, it's not so easy,” Mats frowned. ”Bet you took your time too.”

”The first time I kissed a boy I was eight. The first time I kissed a girl is yet to happen,” Benni grinned. Mats threw a pillow at him.

Benni didn't even know when he had started talking with Mats this much. Or when he had started calling him Mats in his head. They had been meeting regularly for a few weeks now, and each time he stayed a bit longer, talked with him a bit more openly. Mats was a nice guy, Benni liked talking with him.

And Mats really loved the sound of his own voice. So far Benni had learned that Mats was about to turn 22, he studied business and worked at his father's company, had a little brother whom he adored, was passionate about the city's football club and absolutely loved chocolate. Benni hadn't told him that he too was 22, studied in the same uni as Mats, worked at the grocery store near the campus, had a little brother and a little sister whom he adored, secretly hated the football club because he was originally from the neighboring city whose club was far better, and that he loved chocolate too. Still, he had just told him that he had pretty much always known that he was gay. That was quite a revelation too.

”Anyway, you know, I was thinking, Cathy's moving away at the end of the month, so, you know, maybe... Maybe we could start meeting at my place or something?”

Benni gaped. Why would anyone want to invite a whore in to their apartment? Amidst to all their personal belongings, to their valuables, to the same bed where they slept each night. He understood cottages, offices, cars, even something public like a park bench, but a client's own apartment? That's just stupid.

”It'd be so much more convenient than always booking these hotels, you know? And then we wouldn't have to hurry about leaving, we could maybe eat something too and everything,” Mats rambled.

This was beyond stupid. The guy clearly didn't have too many friends if he wanted to hang out with a hooker.

”And I'll of course pay you for your time.” Mats could see that Roman wasn't all too thrilled about his proposition, but he really wanted him to accept, he was tired of these hotels. And he really did like spending some time with him too. The sex was great, superb even, but there was just something about lying in the bed with Roman afterwards, talking and giggling at something stupid. Mats wanted more of that, was willing to do everything to get it.

Inviting Roman over had actually been, to a degree, Erik's idea. Mats had come clean to him after meeting Roman the second time. The meeting hadn't cleared his system at all, it had just made Mats crave for Roman even more and he finally had to admit that maybe he had a teeny tiny crush on Roman. He just didn't know what to do with crushes, so he needed Erik's help. 

Of course Mats hadn't told him about the dirty details. He had just claimed to have met Roman in a club, claimed that they had gone to Roman's place, claimed that Roman had said he wasn't looking for a relationship, claimed he sensed that maybe Roman secretly did.

It had took some time before Mats could finally take Erik's advice. Breaking up with Cathy had been the hardest part. Yes, their relationship hadn't been very passionate, but it was nice, something that Mats had grown used to. Being single, for the first time in his adult life, was scary. He had even tried to see if he could still sleep with her, but it had been the most awkward situation he had ever been, lots of fumbling and difficulties about getting it up and thinking about all the wrong persons. After that, and a fourth meeting with Roman, breaking up had been rather easy.

Now he was on the second phase of Erik's plan. He needed to get more familiar with Roman, start to have something more than just sex with him. Erik had actually told him to ask Roman out for a coffee or something, but Mats couldn't really do that. Setting up their meetings at his home was the best he could come up with.

Benni looked at the nervous and pleading boy next to him. What was so bad at meeting at his place, anyway? If the client wanted it, who was he to deny him? Benni couldn't think of a single thing anymore why it wouldn't work. And if he got paid more because of it, all the better. 

”Okay, sure thing, honey. Just text me the address.”

***

Benni was at Mats' place, for the third time. It wasn't as awkward anymore as it had been in the beginning, he didn't even seem to notice when he was acting more like a boyfriend than a hooker. Mats hadn't seemed to care at all. Right now Benni was looking at some old photos Mats had in his living room, picturing him and his family. Mats was sitting at the couch, watching tv.

Benni had taken liking especially one picture, where Mats was around 18. He looked super hot in it. He was looking a bit off from the camera with laughter in his eyes and all his teeth visible, dressed in a slim suit. To top it all off, he had this crazy mane of hair, like he hadn't cut it in a year. It fell to his eyes, shone from the sunshine on the background and best of all, curled. Benni wanted to trace the locks with his finger.

”Why you keep your hair short?” 

Mats glanced at him with a raised eyebrow. Benni turned to show him the photo he was looking at. Mats grimaced.

”It's a buttload of work to keep in order. It curls, it's annoying.”

”Hmm. I think it's kinda cute like this.”

”That's just because you're weird.” Mats decided then and there that he was going to grow his hair longer again. Screw maintenance, Roman thinking he was cute was totally worth it.

”Oh yeah?”

”Yeah. Just look at your own hair,” Mats shrugged.

”And what exactly is wrong with my hair?” Benni put the picture back to the shelf, crossed his arms and pursed his lips.

”Like, what isn't? A horrible mop.” Mats grinned widely. He loved everything about Roman's hair.

”A horrible mop?! Oh, you're so getting punished for that.” Benni rushed to the couch, jumped on top of Mats, was this close to start tickling him, nibbling his ears. He got hold of his actions at the last second though, settled for dry humping and scratching Mats' neck instead, leaning close enough to whisper to his ear.

”Get naked, pretty boy. You are going to take me right here on the couch.”

Mats failed to see how that was a punishment, but proceeded to do as he was told. Roman disappeared to the bathroom, only to come back few minutes later fully naked as well, carrying the lube, tossing a condom at Mats.

As soon as Mats got it on, Benni straddled him, started coating him with lube. He almost let their foreheads touch, almost came close enough to kiss, almost breathed in the scent of Mats' hair, almost traced his hand across Mats' broad chest. This was going to be a huge mistake, Benni knew it, but couldn't stop himself from lowering down onto Mats. This was by far the most intimate sex he had ever had with a client, them embracing each other, too close to even watch each other in the eyes, Mats keeping a tight but gentle hold of his hips, helping him to bear the pain that this kind of intrusion caused.

Mats loved this, from the bottom of his heart. If this was a punishment, he would make fun of Roman non-stop from now on. He loved Roman's cock rubbing against his stomach, loved the perfect view of his chest, loved that he could squeeze Roman's ass and smooth his fingers across his lower back, loved that he could nuzzle the side of his neck, loved that he could whisper his name right into his ear.

Benni wrapped his arm around Mats' nape and bit into it as hard as he could. He had to, otherwise he might have done something even more stupid, like kissed Mats silent, yelled at him that his name wasn't Roman. He rocked in time with Mats' thrusts, a burning sensation in his thighs, that didn't match the burning behind his eyes. He just wanted to tell Mats his real name so bad.

 

Once again, right after he got home from Mats' place, Benni called Julian. He had promised himself not to do that anymore, but bad decisions were all that he seemed to be capable of doing lately. What was one more to the pile?

Julian studied languages and had the strangest habit of shouting profanities in all the languages he knew while fucking. Right now he was muttering something in Russian, which for some weird reason was Benni's favourite, the rolling r's and the hissing s's and the flowing vowels just did something to him, made him fervent, got his cock twitching though he didn't understand a word.

Usually, at least. Right now he just wanted Julian, or anyone, to south his name in ecstasy. Wanted someone to cry out for Benni.

***

”Manu, I need you to knock some sense in to me.”

Benni was spending a movie night with Manu, but it had been interrupted by Mats' call. Benni had gone to the balcony to speak with Mats in private and now he was back, looking deeply distressed. Manu immediately turned his full attention to Benni, a worried look on his face.

”You know the college boy I've been seeing?”

Manu nodded.

”I kind of promised to see him next Saturday evening.” Benni was biting his lower lip.

”Aren't you usually seeing him on Fridays?” Manu didn't know what this conversation was about, but he didn't like it anyway.

”Yeah, but he had some thing to go to, so he suggested Saturday instead.”

”Okay. Why do you need sense knocking?”

Benni awerted his eyes from Manu, started to fiddle with his phone.

”I kind of said that I could come by at ten.”

Manu frowned. Was this going where he thought it was?

”But you're usually seeing that other client at ten on Saturdays.”

Benni nodded, very timidly.

Manu sighed, pressed his hands on his eyes. He knew Benni wanted him to tell him to reschedule the other client, or better yet, reschedule the college boy, maybe stop seeing him at all. But the fact that Benni had booked him over one of his regulars in the first place spoke volumes. Benni wanted to see the kid, wanted to see him more than any other of his clients, maybe wanted to see him for more than just monetary value.

Had it been any other guy, Manu would have told Benni to stop being such a daft and go get him already. It wasn't just a regular guy though, he was Benni's client, someone who probably didn't have any kind of feelings towards him, someone who would laugh his face off if Benni ever tried anything. Benni didn't need that kind of rejection, he had been hurt bad enough in the past.

Also, Benni really needed the money he got from whoring. Manu didn't like it one bit, but he knew how thick headed Benni was, how he refused to get a loan because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to pay it back. Setting well-paying customers aside in favour of meeting with someone Benni had a crush on didn't sound good. Manu could always help Benni with his rent, buy him lunches and so on, but he couldn't pay Benni's tuition fees.

So all in all, there were a lot of reasons why Manu should have told Benni to reschedule. There were so many reasons why Manu should have told Benni to stop seeing this guy. Benni had never been one to listen to reason, though.

”Just be careful, Benni, okay? Be careful.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that you guys are the best <3

Benni had gradually started seeing Mats more than just once a week. And it was great, really, it just meant that he had even less time to sleep than normally. It didn't exactly help that Mats was merciless, drawing every last bit of energy out of him. This time he might have actually fallen asleep while Mats was taking a shower. He woke up the second Mats burst back through the door, but it was too late.

”Did you just fall asleep?” Mats grinned.

”No.” Benni started to get up, only managed to roll up to his back before he had to stop and start gathering some strength again.

”Then who was snoring here?” 

”No one.”

”What if you spent the night here?” There laughter in Mats' voice died and was replaced by a glimmer of hope instead.

”Told you, too expensive.” Benni swung his other leg out of the bed.

”My dad's actually kinda rich, you know? And there's no way you're gonna be able to go home like that.”

Benni opened one of his eyes, glared at Mats as hard as he could.

”And how does daddy feel about you spending his money on whores?”

”What daddy doesn't know, can't hurt him,” Mats declared, smugly.

”Brat,” Benni muttered. ”I'll call my friend to pick me up.”

”It's the middle of the night, he's asleep.”

Benni just grunted. He was too tired to argue anymore.

”Come on, Roman! Just this once, I'll pay you.” Mats joined him on the bed, crawled close, stared at him with big, pleading eyes.

Benni really should have called Manu to pick him up. It was just that his phone was in the pocket of his jeans and his jeans were too far away from the bed, he couldn't reach them without getting up.

”Fine. Just this once. But don't get any ideas about spooning.”

”What ever you say, Roman,” Mats said with the biggest smile on his face.

***

Benni woke up, slightly disoriented. He had been exhausted last night, had once again worked like a maniac the whole week. He still felt tired, wanted to keep on sleeping, but something had woken him up and kept disturbing him enough for not being able to fall back asleep. He tried to get the fog lift up from his brain and get some sense in this situation.

There were muffled noises. There was wetness. There was some very pleasant tingling in his stomach. There were hands holding his hips. There was a –

There was a mouth around his cock.

The sleepiness combined with the pleasure emitting from his lower body were making Benni dizzy. He wasn't certain who this person giving him this wonderful waking up call was. He didn't even know where he was. He was not in his own bedroom. It looked familiar, but he couldn't quite place it, wasn't certain whose it was though he knew he'd been there before. 

Maybe he should just stop fretting about it and start enjoying the attention instead. It did feel good. A bit sloppy, not super talented, but good nonetheless. Hell, Benni was one of those guys who were just happy to have some tongue and suction, he didn't need any special skills to be pleased about a blowjob. But it couldn't hurt to grab this mystery guy's hair and pull him a bit further down.

Benni reached his hand under the blanket, searching for something to grab onto. And as soon as his fingers found thick, silky curls, he remembered. He was at Mats' place. He had agreed to stay over, for the first time ever. He was at a client's apartment, sleeping at a client's bed and now that said client was apparently giving him, a paid hooker, a blowjob.

Benni's eyes flew wide open and he let out a loud gasp out of shock. Mats though seemed to think it was a gasp of pleasure and doubled his eager efforts to suck Benni off. Benni tried to make him stop, but he had always been useless when someone was touching his dick. In the end he couldn't do anything else than keep his fingers tightly in Mats' hair and come like there was no tomorrow.

Mats emerged from below the blanket, grinning, licking his lips.

”Did you like it?”

Benni just panted, not entirely from panic.

”Great. You had such a wonderful tent built down there, I just had to give it a go.”

Benni stared at Mats. He never stopped to amaze him.

”There's one down point though. I noticed that giving a blowjob makes me incredibly horny. Such a shame. You still open from last night?”

And before Benni could say or do anything, Mats had sucked two of his own fingers wet and was inserting them to Benni. Again he found himself gasping for more air. Who was this guy? He had wanted Benni to spend the whole night with him from the very beginning, and for what, to be able to give him morning head and fingering? Not to mention that he was so eager that he couldn't get the lube, situated not a meter from them, to slick his fingers. And Benni was being paid for this?

Benni may have had more puzzled thoughts in him, but they all vanished once Mats pressed his magic button. Mats had such long fingers and Benni really was still slightly loosened up from last night, that it didn't take very long for Mats to reach the best parts. This time the gasp was definitely from pleasure.

”Oh, you like this,” Mats exclaimed delighted.

Benni nodded.

”Maybe next time you'll let me do this to you from the start?”

Benni bit his lips, closed his eyes, moaned, nodded. He usually made the prepping himself, trusting that no client would ever want to take their time to stretch him, but if Mats wanted to do it, Benni wouldn't stop him. Not when he had fingers like that.

Mats' fingers were relentlessly brushing over Benni's sensitive spot, making him hard and needy again, making him moan and growl without a second's rest.

”God, you're so hot,” Mats rasped out of breath.

Benni had lost his words a long time ago. He simply grabbed the lube and condoms from the nightstand, shoved them to Mats' chest while pulling him closer on top of him at the same time. Mats didn't waste a second to get himself ready and was pushing inside before Benni had any time to consider if this was a good idea or not, pounding hard and fast and relentless, just the way Benni liked it best.

It was too early in the morning and Benni was too far gone in his lust to think about anything. If Mats wanted to do this then let him. Benni pressed his fingers deeper into Mats' buttocks, drawing him closer, urging him to go deeper. Benni's dick was rubbing against Mats' abs, and shit were those abs delicious. Benni would lick those muscle packs shiny if he was ever given the chance. Right now though they were doing wonders to Benni's erection, and god if this wasn't the best way to come undone ever.

Despite his earlier orgasm mere minutes ago, Benni had no trouble finding his release and coating Mats and himself with his cum. Benni felt absolutely great, phenomenal even, and utterly spent. Now that his dick wasn't getting any attention, he found himself sleepy again and was snoring softly by the time Mats came back from the bathroom to clean him up.

 

Benni woke up again closer to afternoon. He was a bit ashamed to sleep on until so late, but obviously Mats didn't mind. And Benni had really needed that sleep. He stretched and rose up as slowly as possible. Maybe Mats would be nice enough to make him some coffee?

Benni padded to the kitchen, expecting to find Mats from either there or from the living room. Mats was in neither of the rooms, or anywhere else in the apartment it seemed. Instead of him Benni only found a note on the kitchen table, together with a rather thick envelope.

Morning, sleepyhead. Had to run some errands, but feel free to stay as long as you want. There's food in the fridge and fresh towels in the bathroom. Hope this covers for everything, if not, will pay you the rest next week.  
\- M 

How naive was this guy? He had left a hooker in his apartment alone, what if he stole something? But no, here he was, offering him breakfast and clean towels like he was a regular house guest.

Benni shook his head, opened the envelope. He was a bit curious to see how much money Mats had given him. They hadn't actually discussed any specific numbers, Benni had just told him that it was going to be expensive. Benni never liked talking about money with Mats but fortunately he always paid generously.

Benni had to count the money four times before he let himself believe it. Mats hadn't paid him generously this time, he had paid him ridiculously. Especially considering the morning, when Mats had pleasured him while he was just lying down like a dead person.

Guess Benni knew now why Mats trusted him to stay in the apartment on his own. With this kind of money, he didn't need to steal anything. It was thousands of Euros. Benni had said he was expensive but this was way beyond his normal rates. He seriously doubted that anyone was this expensive. And how could Mats afford this? The fuck with his Scrooge McDuck of a father, this was a lot of money for everyone. There was no way that Benni could take it all with a clean conscience.

What was he even supposed to do with that kind of money? Benni was very well aware how suspicious it would look if he kept depositing large sums of cash on a regular basis to his account, so he had a system. He used the cash on all the running expenses he could, only depositing larger amounts around Christmas and his birthday and such, when he could tell the bank they were a gift. Sometimes Manu paid his rent or other bills and Benni paid him back in cash. But this was _thousands_ of Euros. How did Mats even have this much cash?

Then again, Mats had willingly given the money for him. Benni hadn't asked for it. And it wasn't a gift, some act of pity but a paycheck from a job well done. Mats was even ready to pay him more if Benni felt it was necessary. But let's be honest, he didn't.

The situation called for back-up.

”Hi Manu.”

”Hey Benni, what's up?”

”Listen, I have a bit of a situation.”

”Are you in trouble?” The worry in Manu's voice was evident even through phone.

”No, no, nothing like that. It's just that I was just given a shit ton of money.”

Manu was silent for a long time. Benni was biting his nails.

”And? I fail to see the problem here.”

”I can't accept them!” Benni yelled frantically.

”Give them to me then. I could use them.” Manu was back to his old wry self, now that it was clear that Benni didn't have any real problems.

”Fat chance. But there's no way he can afford to give me this much.” 

”Let me guess, it's that college boy of yours.”

”I fail to see how the assumption is relevant,” Benni said saucily. Manu clearly didn't see the graveness of the situation, concentrating on nonessentials.

”Come on Benni, it's not your responsibility to take care of his finances. If he wants to drown you in money, let him.”

”You don't even know how much he gave me.”

”Not important. Be honest Benni, if it was anyone else than him you'd be out there spending the money already.”

Maybe Manu had a point. Benni had been complaining about his broken shoes for weeks, how he couldn't afford to buy new ones. The money had been tight since he stopped seeing all his other customers except Mats. He still had to argue though, just because.

”Yeah but –”

”No buts. Take it and buy something nice to yourself. You deserve it.” Manu really hoped Benni would listen to him this time. Not accepting the money wouldn't magically make the guy develop feelings for Benni. It would just make Benni broke, quite possibly from the heart as well.

”What if –”

”Take the money, Benni. End of discussion. Go buy yourself some new shoes.”

With that, Manu hung up on him.

Benni looked at the insane amount of money in front of him. He didn't want any of it. He didn't want to be something that Mats could buy. He didn't want to be a rich kid's toy, performing tricks in exchange for money.

But Manu was right. He really needed new shoes. He really needed to start saving for next year's tuition fees. He really needed to cast these stupid feelings aside and start acting like a professional again.

***

Erik was so tired of listening to Mats dream about this Roman guy. It had been fun at first, seeing his friend so out of character, blushing and giggling and staring into nothing like a school girl, but it had been going on for _months_. And Erik still haven't even met the guy. He didn't know anything about him, other than that he was cute and adorable and funny and hot and nice and smart and seemingly every other positive adjective there was.

”Hey Mats, I was just wondering, now that we're on the subject,” he glared pointedly, ”what does this Roman do?”

Mats stopped emitting heart eyes, shifted to look at Erik a bit warily.

”Umm, uh, what do you mean?”

”You know, does he work somewhere, does he study, does he do anything else than spend time in your bed...”

Had Erik figured something out? Mats was getting really nervous.

”Yeah, he... he works. He has a job, yeah.”

”And what is this job of his?”

”I uh... Well, he doesn't talk about it that much.” Mats was fixing his shirt collar, avoiding looking at Erik.

”So you don't know what he does for a living?” Erik raised an eyebrow. That was strange.

”Why do you even ask?” Mats really needed to steer this conversation into safer waters.

”Cause I'm your best friend and I think it's weird that I don't know anything about your boyfriend, I haven't even met him,” Erik snapped. 

”He's not my boyfriend,” Mats hurried to deny.

”Oh really? You've been seeing him for ages.” 

”He's just a... fling.” Mats lowered his gaze from Erik, flushed a little.

”A one-night stand who has stayed in your life for god knows how long? A mere nobody of whom you talk about more lovingly than you ever did about Cathy? Really Mats, get your shit together. He's clearly more than a fling to you, and judging by the time he's spending with you, you are more than a fling for him too. Get to know him a little better, come clean to him, and then introduce him to me.”

Mats grimaced. If only it was that easy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it comes, the moment you've been waiting for!

Roman was sprawled sideways on the bed, limbs pointing to every direction, eyes closed and a bright smile plastered on his face. Mats was cradled at the foot of his bed, head resting next to Roman's waist, his other hand gently laying just above Roman's knee. Mats was extremely happy that he had let his hair grow a little, as Roman was now shyly playing with it.

Mats really wanted to believe Erik's words, that maybe Roman saw him as something more than just a client. It certainly felt like it sometimes. Like when they were eating ice-cream from the same bowl, or when they were watching Game of Thrones together, or when they were like this, lying close to each other, happy doing nothing.

Still, there were times too when Mats felt nothing but stupid thinking that there was something more to this. Sometimes Roman would just show up, let Mats do his things to him and then leave right after. He didn't let Mats be affectionate with him. And then there was the slight fact that he always took money from Mats by the end of the day. Even if he had told Mats that maybe he didn't need just that much money, he still took it. He didn't want to talk about anything too personal. 

Mats had learned some minor details about Roman, of course, it was bound to happen with all the talking that they did, but he wanted to know every single little thing there was to know about him. What he dreamed of, what he wanted to achieve in life, what made him smile. What his last name was. When he had a birthday. Did he have a nice grandmother. Mats knew he needed to stick with the less personal ones, but he still wanted to ask something meaningful.

”Roman?” Mats asked tentatively. He really hoped Roman wouldn't piss off and leave. He had already agreed to spend the night again, something that didn't happen too often. He started to brush his fingers up and down on Roman's thigh, hoping it would sooth him.

”Hmm?”

”Why do you do this?”

”You need to be a little more specific than that, honey.”

Okay, Roman was using pet names, it had to be a sign of his good mood. Mats took a deep breath, this was his chance.

”You know... This. Sell yourself.”

Roman huffed. ”Not all of us can be heirs to multinational corporations.”

”It's not a multinational company. And I'm not an heir, I work as a regular clerk.”

Mats couldn't see Roman's face from this position, but he was pretty sure he was receiving some major glaring right now.

”Okay, yeah, I have a rich dad, but it doesn't mean that you couldn't do something else than, than this.”

”It's called whoring. And it gives good money.”

”Where do you need the money for? Do you have a gambling problem? Do you like, use super-quality drugs?”

Roman was tensing up, he had stopped playing with Mats' hair. Maybe this wasn't such a good topic to joke about. Mats propped himself up so he could look at Roman, kept his other hand on Roman's thigh while leaning his chin on the other.

”You don't have to say if you don't want to.”

Roman had lost his smile, his euphoric look, but at least he was still on the bed, not making any moves about getting up. He was biting his lips, looking at the ceiling. Mats moved his hand up to Roman's hip bone, tickled it, tried to wait patiently if Roman would answer him. 

Finally, with a resigned sigh, Roman glanced at him.

”I study.”

Mats got super excited in seconds.

”Oh, cool! What do you study? Are you in the same uni as I am? Are you going to graduate soon?”

”I'll take the 'don't have to answer' option now.”

Mats smiled apologetically. He was thrilled by this revelation though, so he pushed his luck a bit further, he wanted to see if he could make Roman say something else about him too.

”Okay, so how did you start this?”

Roman let out a little laugh. ”With my first boyfriend.”

”No, I mean this selling stuff.”

”With my first boyfriend.”

Mats stared, mouth hanging open.

”So your boyfriend paid you to have sex with you?”

”Well, he was my ex at that point, but yeah.”

”Doesn't really make it sound less weird.”

Mats wondered if he had gone too far. Roman was quiet, really quiet. Just staring at the ceiling. He had thought that sex would an easy topic, something that wouldn't pry too much into Roman's real life. Guess he had been horribly wrong. 

Benni was lost in his thoughts. He had never told anyone this, hadn't really even thought about it since it had happened, it wasn't his proudest of moments. Telling it to Mats though, he figured it wouldn't be that bad. Mats probably wasn't thinking very highly of him anyway, he was a whore after all.

”I hated his guts. Really hated him. Then one time we met at this party. He was super drunk, kept following me the whole night, whining how he missed me and how he should never have left me and how I was too hot for this world and how he really wanted to fuck me. He got so desperate that he offered me money if I'd let him. So I thought what the hell, took his money, sucked him off and then went straight to his girlfriend and told her all about it.”

Mats had lost his words. What were you supposed to say in a situation like this? He moved his hand across Roman's stomach, left it on his waist, pressed his head just next to Roman's shoulder. It was the closest thing to a hug he dared to do.

”Why did you hate him so much?”

Again Roman let out that little laugh, the one that sounded anything but happy.

”Cause he turned straight the minute someone saw us doing something that two guys aren't supposed to do. Cause he claimed I was just harassing him.”

”Oh, Roman, I'm so sorry.” Guess Mats was lucky that he had discovered himself on a later age. He never had to go through teens as something out of the norm.

”Yeah, don't be. Let's just go to sleep.”

Roman got up from where he was lying next to Mats, moved to the other side of the bed and curled into a ball. Mats settled on to his side of the bed and stared at Roman's back with tears in his eyes.

***

Roman clearly wasn't a morning person. Mats had tried what seemed like ages to wake him up, but all the boy did was mutter and swat at him and hide deeper beneath the blankets.

”Oh, come on, Roman, get up all ready! Roman! I'll make you breakfast if you get up now.”

Benni didn't like this at all. Someone was poking him, constantly. He was trying to sleep for god sake. And what was this endless talking about Roman? His name was Benedikt, thank you very much.

”Benedict? You want eggs Benedict? Umm, okay, I've never made them but guess I can try. But you have to get up while I'm cooking!”

Okay, now at least they were calling him by his name. Benni hummed happily.

 

The smell of fresh coffee and something delicious cooking finally woke Benni up from his coma. For a second he was utterly happy that someone was making breakfast for him. But then he remembered who the someone was. What he had told them. 

Staying over night at client's apartment was certainly one of the least wise decisions Benni had ever made. He had almost slipped out his name. Thank the heavens he had a breakfast dish named after him. He had almost told what he studied. After that it wouldn't be too hard to figure out who he really was. He had even told Mats about his not-so-fortunate love life. Benni wanted to flee right away, but Mats had gone through quite the trouble to make him breakfast. Benni had manners, he wouldn't leave right now. Besides, he had practiced his poker face near perfection. He could pull this through.

Mats felt defeated. Last night had been amazing, he had already started feeling there might be something more between him and Roman. Roman had opened up to him, Mats had thought that it had come straight from his heart but come morning, Roman had been his normal self once more, the seemingly easy going and relaxed but withdrawn and shallow. Like the evening before had meant nothing. And probably it hadn't, not for Roman, it was just some act to get more money from Mats. Like everything else he did.

Mats was so stupid. Falling for a hooker, how naive you had to be to do that? Maybe it was best to stop seeing Roman and try to find someone real instead.

***

Benni was organizing the shelves at the grocery store. It was a late Saturday evening, less than an hour before they would close down. There weren't many people at the store at this hour and stacking up carton boxes really didn't require that much concentration, so he had taken into daydreaming, without fully realizing it. Benni was thinking about Mats, obviously. They hadn't seen each other in two weeks, not since the day Benni almost told Mats his real name, not since Benni had opened up and scared Mats off.

Benni was mentally scolding himself. Yes, what they had had wasn't exactly the romance of the century, wasn't anything special, but at least they had still seen each other on a regular basis. Now, because he had fucked up, told him something real instead of the rehearsed crap he usually fed to clients, he didn't even have that. He wanted to see Mats again, but he couldn't exactly go and call him. He was supposed to be the one who people called to.

Benni scoffed. His pining was officially going a bit too far, now he was imagining that Mats was walking straight towards the store.

Except this wasn't a dream. Mats really was coming to the store.

Benni panicked. He was straight behind the doors. Mats was about five seconds away from stepping inside. There was nowhere he could go without Mats seeing him. To top it all off, he was wearing a name tag. Why did shop assistants even had name tags?! It's not like anyone cared! Benni did the only reasonable thing he could do. He grabbed a pile of ketchup bottles into his arms from the shelf next to him, praying to dear lord that the name tag wouldn't peak through.

Mats saw him the second he stepped in, stopped right there, started gaping.

”Roman?”

”Hi Mats,” Benni let out a nervous laugh.

”Didn't, didn't expect to see you here.”

”Yeah, uh, I work here on the weekends, to get some extra income.” Benni had too much ketchup bottles in his arms, some of them started to slip from his grasp.

”Oh, I see.” 

For a while both boys just stood there, Benni struggling with the ketchup, Mats staring.

”So, uh, how've you been, haven't heard about you in a while.” Stupid Benni, it's not your business if he doesn't want to contact you anymore!

”Yeah, been super busy with school and everything. I'm just coming from the library, worked the whole day on this report.” Stupid Mats, he's not interested in your day!

”Oh, cool, I thought you'd fallen ill or something.” Yeah right.

”No, no, nothing like that.” Had Roman really been worried about him? 

”Listen, now that I've finished with the report, would you maybe want to come over tomorrow?”

Mats was mentally slapping himself for forgetting all his promises about not meeting him anymore the moment he saw that cute face again, but was that a genuine smile on Roman's face?

”Sure, I'd love to.”

***

Come Sunday night, Benni was once again knocking Mats' door. He was really excited that this was happening again. He hadn't fucked up anything permanently. Mats still wanted to see him.

Mats let him in, smiling nervously. They exchanged pleasantries, chit-chatted a little and gradually Benni's confidence, easiness and happiness was transferred into Mats too.

”I had no idea that you worked on that shop too.”

”Have to have some kind of non-shady way to make money,” Benni shrugged.

”I guess so. But why do you do this as well?” Mats still wanted to know. Having two jobs and studies seemed kind of extreme.

”Because taking care of the ketchup stock isn't going to pay for my education. Taking care of you will.” Benni grabbed Mats' crotch with a firm grip, flashing a devilish grin. Mats let out a rather unmanly yelp.

”So how can I help you today, sugar?” Benni leaned closer to Mats, almost close enough to kiss but not quite. He breathed heavily and let the puffs hit the sensitive skin of Mats' throat. Mats again was captivated by these simple gestures.

”I... I want you to blow me,” Mats stammered.

”Will do, darling.” Benni started to open Mats' jeans.

”Without a condom.”

Benni stopped all his movements. Even his heart, lungs and brain movement seemed to stop. He took his hands off Mats as if they were burning, took a few steps back and just stared at Mats, eyes wide open.

”Please! I'm clean, I just got tested.”

Benni eyed Mats suspiciously. ”What did they test?”

”Umm, uh, I don't know, the usual.”

”You don't know? That's not very convincing, Mats.” Benni backed down even further.

”I don't know! It was the annual company medical check. I have the document somewhere if you want to see. Come on, Roman, I've only ever been with one girl before you.”

”Yeah, and where has that pussy been?” Benni was getting rather angry. He knew he was being a hypocrite, Julian, as well as many other from his former fuck buddies were probably dipping their dicks in all sorts of cocktails and Benni had no problem sucking them bare, but this was a matter of principal! He just couldn't blow a customer without protection.

”In my bed.” Mats decided to ignore Roman's rudeness, he was too needy. ”Please Roman, I just want to feel your mouth on me.” 

Mats lifted his hand, traced Roman's lips with his thumb. He sucked it in, started licking and nibbling at it, all the while looking at Mats straight in the eyes.

”I'll pay you what ever you want. Anything.”

Benni kept sucking the thumb, byuing time. Would it be the end of the world if he let it happen? He had already broke most of his rules for Mats anyway. What was one more to the pile? He had so looked forward to this meeting too.

”For thousand Euros, sure.”

”Deal.” Mats didn't hesitate a second to agree.

”All right, go wash that ding dong of yours and lay down somewhere. You will not handle what I'm about to do to you in an upright position.”

Mats started off to the bathroom immediately, leaving a trail of clothes behind him. Benni watched after him, baffled. He had not expected Mats to accept his price without a question. He would have been fine with Mats negotiating the price down, even a couple hundred of Euros would have been more than enough for him. But no, Mats wanted to pay him thousand Euros for a few minutes worth of pleasure. Guess Benni really could put all his skills in use for that one.

 

Mats layed on his bed, naked. Roman was hovering over him, fully clothed, teasing him with his fingers.

”You ready, sugar?”

Mats didn't trust his voice right now, so he just nodded.

”Okay, try not to pass out.” Roman flashed a brilliant grin on him and started heading south. Mats followed him with his gaze, gulping heavily.

Mats tried to keep his eyes open to see every little thing that Roman was doing, but god, was it difficult. First, Roman kept his eyes firmly locked on Mats' and it was proving very difficult to avert his eyes from those captivating hazel ones, tingling with amusement. Secondly, the things happening around his cock were just _too much_ , he had to throw his head back. All those licks and sucks and that overwhelming wetness and shit, was that teeth? Roman seemed to be everywhere, to do all the right things one could imagine. Mats had had no idea that a blowjob could feel this good.

And the noises Roman was making. The slurps, the smacks, the hums. They were obscene but still Mats had to bite his lips to suppress his own moans in order to be able to hear all of them. This was nothing short of torture.

”Hey Mats, you want to open your eyes for this.” Roman's voice was loaded with mischief, but who was Mats to deny him his fun time.

Roman shifted from between Mats' legs to his side, so that Mats would have a perfect view for the show. Roman opened his mouth wide open and started lowering down around Mats' cock, excruciatingly slow. He edged closer and closer to the base but never touched any part of Mats. When he finally reached the point where his nose was nuzzling the coarse hair of Mats, he gave a sideways glance to Mats and closed his mouth firmly around the cock, hollowing his cheeks and sucking in harshly. 

There was nothing to compare this feeling to. Mats had thought that those blowjobs Cathy had given him were good. He had thought that Roman sucking him with a rubber was amazing. He had though that Roman's mouth around him without nothing in between was heavenly. But _this_...

And Roman still had more to come. He grabbed the hilt of Mats' cock to stop it from twitching and smiled up to him. His lips were gleaming with spit, his cheeks were slightly pink from the hot air in the bedroom and his eyes were sparkling from lust. Mats had trouble breathing in front of this sight.

Roman once again lowered down and started licking the slit of Mats' cock. His fist was slowly pumping up and down and occasionally he let the whole enlarged head slip inside his mouth, but most of the ministration was done by his tongue, twisting and turning around the most sensitive parts. Mats was close, close to coming and close to passing out and close to confessing his undying love for Roman.

Benni could see that Mats was about to come. He wanted to swallow down everything that Mats had to offer, so he closed his mouth again around the pulsing dick, started bobbing up and down with hollowed cheeks, brushing Mats' inner thighs with his fingers. Mats came with a loud cry, back arching and hands clenching the sheets. Benni swallowed it all, appreciating the taste and the sated figure in front of him. He could definitely do this again.

Benni released Mats with a pop and sprawled next to him on the bed.

”What next, sweetheart?”


	8. Chapter 8

The smell of something delicious met Benni the moment he stepped inside of Mats' apartment. He followed Mats into the kitchen a bit puzzled and saw a big bunch of freshly baked cookies.

”You want some? I just got these out of the oven.”

Benni stared at the cookies, stared at Mats, stared at the cookies.

”You baked these?” He asked skeptically.

”Yes.” Mats took one of the cookies himself, started munching it.

”You _bake_?”

”Yes. I'm going to visit my grandmother tomorrow, thought I'd bring her something.”

”So you baked her cookies?” Benni was astonished.

”Do you have a hearing problem or something?” Mats asked amused.

”No, I just have a hard time believing you didn't realize you're gay, even though you bake cookies for your grandma.”

”Oh, c'mon Roman, baking isn't a gay thing to do.”

”Said all the gay guys in the closet,” he huffed.

”Oh yeah? What's your secret gay stereotype then?”

”I don't have one.” Benni crossed his arms before his chest, pouted, turned his head away from Mats.

”It'd be easier to believe you if your face didn't look like a tomato,” Mats laughed.

Benni turned even more red.

”Roman! I'm not gonna let you get away from this, not with a face like that.” Mats' smirk was so wide it was a miracle his face hadn't sliced in two yet. Benni glared at him.

”Ididfigureskatingasakid,” he finally muttered, as silently as possible, looking at his feet.

”What did you say?”

”I did figure skating as a kid!” Benni yelled at the top of his lungs. Mats stared at him mouth wide open for a full eternity, before he burst into a fit of laughter, almost doubling over from the force. 

”Don't laugh, it's a perfectly valid sport! Lots of straight guys do it too, you know!” Why had he told Mats that? This was mortifying.

”I can't believe you're trying to make fun of me baking when you've done figure skating.” Mats was drying the tears from the corners of his eyes.

”I did other sports too! Football and skiing and all sorts of stuff.”

”But figure skating was your favourite.”

”Shut up.” Benni was sulking.

”Aww, don't be mad, Roman. Here, have a cookie.” Mats stuffed a whole cookie in his mouth. ”Besides, I'm sure figure skating helped you to master the use of your hips. Can't be nothing but grateful for that.” 

Mats grabbed Benni from his belt loops and bumped their hips together. Benni tried to cry out of surprise, but because his mouth was still full of the half-eaten cookie, it sounded more of a hum of delightful pleasure.

”Oh, you like my cookies? That's so nice of you to say, Roman. Please, have another one.” Mats fed Benni another cookie, again pushing the thing whole in his mouth.

”Now, let's get a closer look of these hips of yours, shall we?” Mats started to open Benni's jeans.

”Aw you ettin uwnd on y hiw?” Benni tried to ask, but the cookies made it rather difficult for him to speak.

”What's that? Want another one? You're so greedy, Roman. But sure, here you go.” Mats squeezed a third cookie into Benni's mouth.

”Youw ho wiewd.”

”Don't talk with your mouth full, it's rude.” Mats shook his finger at him.

Benni got annoyed about Mats' antics and started to chew the cookies furiously, trying to clear his mouth in order to counter something back to Mats. 

Mats had other plans though. He had managed to open and lower Benni's jeans down and with a devious smile, pushed his hand inside of Benni's underwear and grabbed his cock tightly. A few crumbles flew out of Benni's mouth. He tried to chew and swallow, but it proved to be quite difficult when he needed to pant at the same time too. 

Mats increased the pace. Even more crumbles flew off and Benni grabbed the counter behind him, trying to find support. He decided to stop chewing and start swallowing only, but that just resulted in him almost choking to the larger bites. And if eating and panting had been difficult, coughing and panting was downright impossible. Saliva started to drip off his mouth, bits of cookie flew from his nose, black spots entered his vision and Mats, the sick bastard, enjoyed the state of helplessness where Benni was at, jerking him relentlessly, grinning widely. For once he was being slowly tortured to climax by Mats and not the other way around. 

Benni didn't know if he should concentrate on breathing or coming, both seemed like something he really wanted to do right now. His body decided for him though and a massive orgasm ripped through him, shaking his whole body, dropping his head back, making him grip the counter that much harder. The blocked airways just increased his pleasure. When the shudders of the aftermath finally stopped he swallowed the last bits of cookies, coughed a few times and wiped his chin to his sleeve. Mats was wiping his hand to Benni's shirt. 

”Can I talk now,” Benni asked, still a bit out of breath.

”If you've finished eating,” Mats grinned.

”You have the weirdest kinks ever.”

The grin on Mats' face widened.

”Want to have something other than cookies in your mouth?”

And Mats really didn't need to ask twice. Benni was already eyeing hungrily at the obvious bulge in Mats' jeans, coloured with Benni's cum. Benni dropped down to his knees, ripped down Mats' jeans and underwear in one swift motion, took as much of Mats in his mouth as he could and started bobbing his head. It was Mats' turn to collapse to the counter for support. 

Benni slurped and gurgled and licked, coating Mats, and his own chin, with spit. Benni was as obnoxious in his blowing as possible, knowing that that was just the right way to pay Mats back for his previous cookie feeding. And true enough, Mats was enjoying this beyond measurement, but every time when it seemed he was about to come, Benni stopped his movements and pulled back, earning frustrated grunts from Mats. 

After the third such time, Mats had had enough and he grabbed a fistful of Benni's hair, keeping Benni's head in place while he fucked that gorgeous mouth, all the way to the sweet end. Benni dutifully swallowed every drop of cum while looking straight at Mats with twinkling eyes.

”You know, I liked your cookies, but they're not even in the same league as your frosting,” Benni smirked. Mats barked out a dry laugh, resting his forehead on the counter, Benni still below him on his knees.

”You just haven't grown on them yet. Wait here, I'm gonna get the lube and then I'm gonna fuck you right here while feeding you more of them,” Mats said, already sprinting towards the bedroom.

”Weirdest. Kinks. Ever.”

 

Afterwards they were lying on the couch, watching some movie. Benni was wearing Mats' shirt, as his own was covered in dried cum. Mats was seemingly concentrating on the movie, but Benni's mind was somewhere else. He was subtly smoothing the shirt, playing with the fabric, thinking that once again Mats had managed to surprise him by doing something he never thought that any client would do. Borrowing him clothes, when the client had been the one messing them in the first place. Benni wondered if he could somehow keep the shirt without Mats noticing.

On the other end of the couch Mats shifted his weight, creeping closer to Benni. He started fiddling with his hands, glancing Benni sideways, clearing his throat.

”So, Roman, I've been thinking...”

Benni turned to look at him. This didn't sound promising.

”My dad's organizing this big fundraising party in two weeks, I'm invited there too...”

A look of dread started to creep on to Benni's face.

”And I was wondering if, if you'd like to, you know...”

No no no no, don't do it!

”Come there with me?”

No, he didn't want to come. Benni didn't know anything about such events. He didn't know how to be charming and elegant and interesting, how to mingle with the rich people, he only knew how to suck dicks. And it was a party of Mats' father of all people! Benni would not go anywhere as the date of some important person's son.

Roman was not taking this very well. There was a look of pure terror on his eyes. He was gripping the couch so tight his knuckles were white.

”Please, Roman! I don't want to go alone, and it might be fun you know? Free drinks and food and all.”

Roman was furiously shaking his head.

”And I'll of course pay you what ever you want,” Mats pleaded.

Benni couldn't take this anymore. This, this _thing_ he had with Mats was already too much like a relationship, if it went any further he would lose his mind. He would think there really was something real between them, that Mats liked him, when in reality Mats just wanted some puppet who did everything he wanted. Someone who would always be there when Mats had trouble being in contact with real people.

Roman got up from the couch, started walking towards the front door without saying a word. His terrified look had made way for something that resembled anger. What was going on here? Mats leaped up from the couch as well, started following Roman, tried to reason with him.

”Roman, what –”

”My name isn't Roman!”

Mats stopped in his tracks, right there. Roman, no, not Roman, had stopped too, turned to look at him. Mats had never seen the man so angry, raging mad. Sure, he was pissed off often, was rather rude and harsh at times, but now his eyes were like thunder, his nostrils were flaring, his hands were clenched into a tight fists.

”W-what?” 

”My name isn't Roman! And I'm not a fucking escort! I'm a whore, I have sex and that's it! Go buy someone else with your money.”

With that, not-Roman burst out of the door. Mats was left alone in his hallway, still staring at the door. Mats wanted to run after the guy, shout for him to come back, but he didn't know which name to call.

***

Benni ran and ran and ran as far as he could. And after that, he ran some more. He felt like crying but he absolutely refused to do it. Not for this guy. Not when it was his own fault that he got hurt this time. Not when he needed to convince Julian that he was fine enough to fuck with.

Benni ran all the way to Julian's apartment, not even bothering to call him. Once there, he took a moment to catch his breath, pushed all the screaming thoughts inside him away and put on his happy face. Julian would open his door to find a relaxed, smiling, flirty Benni.

”Hi Benni!” Julian greeted him, a bit surprised. Thank god he was home.

”Hi Jule. I was just wondering if your bed is free tonight. Or you know, the kitchen counter or something.”

”What happened to that guy you said you were seeing?” Julian asked while letting him in.

”Oh, you know, it didn't work out,” Benni shrugged, looking to all the world as nonchalant as possible.

”Well, too bad for him, all the better for me." Julian took hold of his chin with a dirty smile on his face. "My bed is always free for you.” 

Sex with Julian was horrible. His body was too small, his hair was all wrong, he smelled different, he was gripping Benni too hard, he used a wrong rhythm. Benni kept his eyes closed the whole time, did everything he could to not say the wrong name. It didn't help him forget about Mats at all. It just made him feel a thousand time worse.

As soon as it was over, Benni left again. There was only one person that could help him now.

***

Manu opened his door, in the middle of the night, and found a terrible looking Benni behind it. There were tear tracks on his cheeks, his lower lip was quivering, his body was shaking, he had the whole pain of the world in his eyes. Benni walked in without saying a word and collapsed down into Manu's arms, started crying hysterically.

Manu's heart broke. There he was, his best friend, hurt again, lying in his arms, not two meters from the front door, because that was as far as he could hold himself together. They were sitting on the floor, amongst Manu's shoes and bags, next to old newspapers and plastic bags containing the empty cans from last week's party. Benni just cried and cried and Manu hold him as tight as he could.

Manu did his best to sooth Benni down. He was deeply worried. Benni hadn't cried many times in his life, but this time it worse than ever. Worse than the time when his father left. Worse than the time his first boyfriend left him and became the spokesperson of his bullies. Worse than the time he found out his second boyfriend was cheating on him with pretty much everyone.

Benni had been through some serious things, he'd seen every possible kind of misfortune, his life was far from dancing on roses, and all these hardships had made him strong and hard, made him grow a wall around himself, made him hide his inner feelings so no one could hurt him anymore. It took a lot from Benni to let anyone come near him, see the true Benni, but Mats had managed to seep through. Mats had found the way to Benni's heart, only to break it into pieces again.

Manu really hoped that one day Benni could get over this. Manu hoped that somehow Benni would be able to survive this too, without losing too much of himself in the process.

”I don't want to do this anymore, Manu. I don't want to see him again.”

”Shh, it's okay Benni, you don't have to. We'll figure something out.”

”He wanted to hire me to be his escort. I don't want to do it, I just don't.”

Benni seemed to be over the worst, he was only sniffing a bit anymore, had loosened his death-grip of Manu's waist. He was drying his eyes on his shirt, when all of a sudden he transformed into a maniac again. He started screaming in panic and began to pull his shirt off.

”I'm wearing his shirt! I have his shirt and I left mine at his place! You have to go get it back, Manu!” Benni threw the shirt away from him as far as possible, pressed back to Manu, stared at him with scared and pleading eyes.

”Calm down, Benni! I'll go get your shirt if you want me to, but not right now. It's the middle of the night, you need to get some sleep.”

Benni spent the next two days at Manu's, mainly lying in the bed while Manu slept on the couch, crying to Mats' shirt and hating himself.

***

Mats kept calling not-Roman all through the night, and the next day, and the day after that. When he got tired of the dial tone, he started texting. He wasn't even sure what had happened but he wanted to fix it anyway.

Maybe Mats had finally crossed the line. Not-Roman just didn't want to be his boyfriend, even though he had thought so. Maybe he had just been very good at his job, realizing that he was something more to Mats and used it to get more money. He just didn't want to act like Mats' boyfriend in public. Maybe he even had a real boyfriend. Guys like him always had boyfriends.

Mats had to keep on hoping though. Beneath the harsh shell not-Roman was kind, gentle, understanding, Mats would even like to say loving. He had a great sense of humor, so much like Mats' own, dark and dirty and sarcastic. Mats just couldn't believe that man would be capable of playing with people like that, using them. Not when he was looking at Mats so sincerely, like he wanted to know what Mats had to say, such a caring look in his wonderful eyes. And when he talked to Mats about himself it seemed like he was talking straight from his heart, a small blush creeping to his cheeks, his eyes averted to the floor, his fingers flying to pick his nails.

Mats really thought they had connected. He really thought there might be something going on between them. He kept on calling.

***

Benni finally went back home on Tuesday night. He had skipped two days of lectures, he really needed to pull himself together and start acting like a normal person again. He had so much to do. He needed to start studying extra hard, he needed to talk with his boss about extra shifts, he needed to start contacting possible employers about an internship. He needed to get over a certain person.

The last item on the list would be the most difficult. Benni found his second phone, the one he had left home because Mats was the only one calling to it anymore, full of unanswered calls and texts. And more kept coming. Benni wasn't entirely sure why he didn't get rid of the phone and why he started carrying it with him, so he could notice every time Mats called him.

On Thursday night, he had had enough. He tried to sleep for fuck's sake, but it was downright impossible with all the incoming calls. He answered the phone.

”Stop calling me, Mats! I'm not seeing you anymore, I stopped whoring.” That was all Benni had to say, so he ended the call right after, not letting Mats say a word.

But ten seconds later, Mats was calling him again. Against his better judgement, Benni picked up again but didn't say a thing this time.

”Hi,” Mats said very timidly. He was met with silence.

”I was just wondering if, if you're all right. I didn't even get the chance to pay you before you left.”

Benni huffed. ”Well, consider it as a gift. I don't think we should meet anymore.”

”But Roman! No, wait, you're not Roman.” Mats grimaced. After four days he finally got hold of not-Roman, only to blew it up with the first sentence. This was not going well.

”No, I am not.” The man sounded annoyed, and rightly so.

”What is your name? I don't want to keep calling you Roman now that I know –”

”You shouldn't be calling me anything anymore.” Benni interrupted. He really should hang up now.

”No! Please, I want to keep seeing you.” 

”It's not wise.”

”Why not? I haven't hurt you in any way have I? I've always paid generously.”

Benni gritted his teeth. ”That's not the issue.”

”Then what is? I don't understand!” Mats was getting desperate.

”All the better for you then. Good night.”

”No, don't hang up! Please, I just want to know your name.”

There was a heavy sigh on the other end of the line, followed by a long silence. Mats sensed there was some inner battling going on and pondered himself if he should keep persuading not-Roman or if he should wait patiently for him to come to a decision. When he was just about to open his mouth, he heard another sigh, this time a more given up one.

”My name is Benni.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I had to put Benni through this, please don't hate me :(


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the angsty-angst of last chapter, have some fluffy-fluff to cheer you up

”Benni. That's a really nice name.” Benni. His Roman was called Benni. Benni. Benni Benni Benni. Benni. He already wanted to shout it out loud while fucking. He wanted to whisper it to his ear after coming. To Benni's ear. Benni.

”Thanks,” Benni grunted.

”Is it short for something?” Benjamin. Bernhardt. Benedikt. Bennett. Berndt. Maybe it was just Ben, but he liked a longer name instead.

”Yes,” Benni grunted.

Mats waited for a little while, but it was evident that Benni (oh, Benni!) wasn't going to enlighten him about his full name.

”So, Benni, about this party...” Did he dare to hope?

”Yes,” Benni grunted.

”I'd be really happy if you could come. You don't have to come as my date, you could be like my friend or something.”

”Who takes their friend on charity events?”

”Someone who is single?” Or someone who wanted to add some prefix to the 'friend'.

”Why don't you go alone?” Benni really didn't think the party would be something he would enjoy.

”Cause I'm scared of my dad?”

”You're scared of your father, but want to take your guy friend to his party. A guy friend whom you met when you paid him to have sex with you so you could confirm that you're gay, apparently with your father's money. Oh yeah, I can see how this is a brilliant idea.” Mats could _feel_ Benni rolling his eyes.

”Oh, come on, I was joking, he's not scary at all. I just really don't want to go alone, everyone is bringing someone with them.” Okay, no jokes anymore, they were definitely not lightening the mood.

”So take your ex, you said you're still friends.”

”Yeah, but I want to make new friends.” Mats would beg the rest of the night if he had to.

Benni chewed his lip. ”Mats... I'm not exactly society material.”

”I don't care, I just really want you to come. Please, Benni.” Benni Benni Benni!

Again there was a big sigh on the line. ”I can't come. I just really can't. Thanks for asking, but I can't.”

”Benni...”

”Bye Mats.”

 

Two hours later Mats woke up to a text from a number he didn't recognize.

_I'm getting rid of the phone I had for clients. This is my real number if you ever want to call me again. Sorry if I woke you. Benni._

Mats fell asleep again with a biggest smile on his face, clutching the phone to his chest. He had Benni's number.

***

It was that time of the day again, time when Erik wanted to have lunch and time when Mats wanted to spill him all his relationship issues. Mats had been quiet about Roman for a full week, but Erik didn't dare to hope that would last forever. If anything, it would only be worse once he started again. And just like he feared, Mats really looked like there was something on his heart. Erik sat down with a big sigh.

”I just really want to take Benni with me to the party my dad's having, but I don't know what to do to convince him to come, he seems really reluctant.”

Erik stopped, a fork midway to his mouth. He hadn't really been listening to Mats' ranting, but this caught his attention.

”What? You don't think I should take him?” Mats asked tentatively.

”Well, I have to say it is a bit odd you're asking some new guy to a date when it was just couple of days ago when you last pined over Roman.”

Oh, _shit_! 

”Umm, uh, yeah, I...” Mats laughed nervously, a deep blush creeping to his face. ”I just met this guy, Benni. He's great. Yeah. Roman was nice too, yeah, but Benni's just, mm, awesome. Whole another story. Yeah.”

”When did you even meet him? And where? Seems like you were always just hanging out with Roman.” Erik stared at Mats with an incredulous look. For once his relationships were interesting.

”Uh, actually, I met him on the grocery store down the street. He works there.” Mats was scratching his neck.

”So one day you just walked in there, bought some snack, met a nice guy, forgot you sort of had a boyfriend already and asked if he wanted to go out with you?” Erik was astonished. Never would he have thought that Mats had the courage to do that.

”Mm, something along the line, yes.” Mats smiled bashfully. "And Roman was not my boyfriend. He wasn't the commitment type, you know."

”Unbelievable. Must be quite a guy if you fell in love with him just like that.” Erik was shaking his head.

”I'm not in love with him!”

”What ever, Mats. What does he look like, I want to go check him out myself.”

”Erik!”

”What? I'm just concerned for you, I want to be sure he's not an axe murderer or something.” Or just very, very curious to see what kind of Adonis is took to get his friend to act completely out of character.

”And how are you going to find that out, see if he has an axe lying around somewhere?”

”Sounds legit. Come on Mats, I just want to have a peek!” Erik was bouncing on his chair, hands crossed in a prayer.

”Fine. But don't say anything to him!” Maybe Mats was secretly a bit proud to show Benni around. ”He's quite tall and has this crazy mop of a hair, blond, but not dyed, it's amazing. He has the brightest smile you'll ever see and adorable face, he looks like an idiot most of the time –”

”Unlike you right now...” Erik muttered under his breath.

”But in a totally cute way. There's even few freckles on his cheeks and nose.” Mats himself looked like a school girl with a crush again.

”Okay, then I understand why you fell for him the second you saw him.”

”See! I told you he's cute.”

”By the sound of it, he looks exactly like Roman.”

Mats lost his sassiness in an instant and was laughing nervously again.

”Yeah, uh, you know, I have a type.”

***

As embarrassing as speaking to Erik about Benni had been, it did give Mats an idea. Benni really did work at the grocery store near campus. Mats could learn his full name just by happening to be in the store at the same time as Benni and getting a peek at his name tag. It wouldn't be considered as stalking at all.

Mats stepped inside the store and found his prey after a little wondering around. He was in the fruit section, filling the bins, fully concentrated on his work. He was in perfect position for Mats to creep closer and get a look of that precious name tag.

”Well hello, Benedikt.”

Benni jumped out from surprise, found a smugly grinning Mats leaning to the apple bin, slammed his hand to cover his name tag as if it was the most shameful thing anyone had ever seen.

”What are you doing here?” Benni exclaimed.

”What people usually do at grocery stores? I came to harass you of course.” Mats' smile widened.

”At least have the common courtecy to buy some apples at the same time,” Benni huffed and threw a bag of apples at Mats. 

”Of course, Benedikt.”

”Don't call me that.”

”Sure thing, Benedikt.”

Benni glared at him.

”What do you say if I buy some beer too and you'll come to my place when you get from here, watch a movie or something?”

Benni hesitated, started opening and closing his mouth without words coming out.

”Really Benni, just a movie, nothing else.” Mats raised his hands, smiled innocently. 

”Why do you wanna watch a movie with me?” Benni asked, uncertain of Mats' objectives.

”Why people usually watch movies? You're fun, I like to spend time with you.”

”I'm not fun.”

Mats snorted. ”Well, not right now, true, but usually you are.”

Again he received some piercing glaring.

”Fine. A movie. Nothing more.” Guess accepting the invitation would be the only way to get rid of this nuisance.

”Great. See you then, Benedikt!”

Mats started heading towards the beverages, whistling and playing catch with the apples as he went. Benni shook his head as he watched him go.

***

Benni showed up at Mats' place after his shift, as promised. He was nervous as hell, sweating and blushing, and it was stupid really, considering that this was going to be their most innocent meeting ever. He just didn't have the confidence to act naturally in situations like these. He hadn't been in a real date – was this even a date? – in years. He didn't know for sure what Mats was after. He might as well confront Benni for lying to him.

Mats on the other hand didn't seem to have any problems with confidence. Or any problem with Benni's sudden name change. He was babbling on like normally, asking anything and everything from Benni. Benni answered him shyly, feeling a bit restless under such a spotlight. Talking about himself had never been something he particularly enjoyed.

”And hey, you said you were studying.”

Benni was playing with the hem of his shirt, legs drawn close to his chest.

”Yeah... I study international relations for the third year, at the same uni as you. I'm looking for an internship right now, if I could do something related to my studies during summer.”

Mats got so excited he nearly started jumping up and down on the couch. Benni looked at him like a mad person.

”Okay, now you like officially need to come with me to the party!”

”Huh? We already discussed about this, I'm not coming.” Benni got a bit annoyed. He thought they were over this already. A movie night was one thing, but a fundraising event was totally different.

”But think about all the contacts you could make there! Literally all the Mr. and Mrs. Important-People are coming. Bet you could get like hundred job offers.” Mats had to sit on his hand in order not to start clapping.

”Figuratively.” If they were going to be friends, and maybe perhaps possibly something more too, Benni could very well start acting like the annoying little know-it-all he was.

”What?” Mats frowned.

”Figuratively all sorts of Up-In-The-Ass people are coming.” 

There was a tiniest of grins on Benni's face. Mats felt like bantering something back, but he simply couldn't, not in front of this stomach tickling site, not when he finally got Benni to smile a little instead of chewing his lips and picking his nails and looking intensely at the carpet.

Little fake pouting couldn't hurt though.

”You could still get a hundred job offers.”

”Thirty-five max.” Now there was even some teeth showing through the smile.

”So you're coming?” Mats asked, hope oozing in his voice.

It seemed to be too soon. Benni reverted back in again, smile disappearing, the shine from his eyes dimming, head dropping down. Mats just wanted to hug him, really tight. In Mats' eyes, Benni would be the center of the party, charming everyone with his bright smiles and witty remarks. Why the poor boy couldn't see himself how wonderful he was?

”No Mats, I'm not coming,” Benni sighed.

”Why? There's no reason for you to not come.” 

”Oh really? I can think of a few,” Benni scorned.

”Benni! It's not like you _have_ to bring it up. Or you do always tell it to new people you meet? 'Hi, I'm Benedikt Whats-His-Face, I have sex for money. Say, there's a quiet looking bathroom, wanna try me out? I'm told I have a very nice little ass.' ” Mats was chirping with a high-pitched voice, flying his hands around flamboyantly, fluttering his eyelashes.

Benni rolled his eyes. ”Höwedes.”

”Hmm?”

”Benedikt Höwedes, not Benedikt Whats-His-Face.”

”Oh, sorry, I'm Benedikt Höwedes, I could suck you off for 50 Euros,” Mats kept presenting his horrible imitation skills.

”I'm Benedikt Höwedes and I don't sound like a girl,” Benni grumbled with as deep voice as he could.

Mats giggled.

”Plus my blowing skills are worth way more than 50 euros.”

”True. So are you coming? As Benedikt Höwedes, international relations student, friend of Mats Hummels?” Mats looked at Benni expectantly.

Benni hesitated. It might be fun to go with Mats. Nobody would probably even bat an eye at him, it's not like he was someone important. So what if he was a little clumsy? 

”I don't own a suit, Mats,” Benni confessed sheepishly.

”So I'll buy you one. Any more lame excuses?” 

”You can't buy me a suit,” Benni frowned.

”Why not? I owe you for your awesome blowing skills.”

”I told you, it was a gift.” 

”And I'm telling you, I'm buying you a suit. Tough luck.” Mats was determined to win this argument, no matter what it took.

”So you really want me to come, huh?” Benni asked timidly.

”Oh no, it was a secret, what gave me away.” Mats didn't even bother to pretend resentment.

Benni smiled, couldn't stifle the little laugh. Maybe Mats was right. It did sound like a perfect opportunity to meet possible future employers, make his name known for them. And sooner or later, he would need a suit.

”Alright, where does one buy a suit in this town?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really really really sorry to inform you that I won't be able to update in the next week and a half or so, I'm out of internet starting Sunday and until the 18th the latest. I will finish this though once I get back, there's about four chapters left and some exciting things waiting our two stupid sweethearts :) 
> 
> And hey, look at the positives! Now you have almost two weeks to imagine what will happen at the party...
> 
> Love you <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and it's time to party.

Benni was grimacing for the mirror. Clothes-wise he looked just the way he was supposed to, in his dark suit and sharp dress shirt and exquisitely knot tie and shiny shoes, Mats had made sure of that, but not a single store they had visited sold confidence. Benni was feeling extremely unnatural in this kind of outfit, wearing more money than he paid for rent, and it showed. The look on his face wasn't exactly one that resembled assertiveness, easiness, naturalness, a look that one has when he has done the same thing a hundred times before. It didn't help that he was about to meet Mats' father and dozens of other important people. All of whom probably had done this a hundred times before.

Mats was fussing around him, straightening his tie, brushing non-visible specs of dust from his blazer, smoothing his hair, pinching his cheek. He meant well, Benni knew it, tried to make him relax and laugh, but it was doing nothing of the sort for him. He fixed his cuffs for the third time.

”Stop fretting, Benni! It's fine. You're fine, everything will be fine.”

”And your father?”

”He'll be fine too.”

Benni may or may not have asked a somewhat similar question about fifteen times already, but he just couldn't believe that some wealthy businessman would be fine with his eldest son bringing a guy with him to his fancy-ass party. Such events were all about the looks. Such people were usually very conservative. 

”I told him I'm taking you and he was fine with it. It. Will. Be. Fine.”

”But how come he can be fine with it?”

Mats sighed. He got that Benni was nervous and anxious, but this was getting a bit too much. Usually Benni's shyness was totally adorable, but right now Mats desperately wanted the confident, even cocky Roman, the man who didn't waver in any situation, to appear again. They needed to get going. Benni needed to understand that everything would be fine.

Mats took a firm grip of Benni's shoulders, turned him to face him instead of the mirror and looked at him deep in the eyes.

”Benni. He's my father, of course he's fine with who I am. That's like his job. Isn't yours the same?”

Mats really needed to start thinking before talking. The look on Benni's face was a healthy reminder for him that no, not all parents were very good at their jobs as accepting their children as they were.

”I don't have a father,” Benni said with a blank voice.

Oh god, it was even worse. Mats had just reminded Benni of his dead father. He made a mental note of slapping himself unconscious once he was back home, alone.

”Is he, is he dead?” Mats asked cautiously.

”No, I don't think so. I just don't have one.” Benni's face had lost all signs of any emotion.

”What do you mean, everybody has a father.” Mats was really confused.

”No, everybody has someone who has squirted some seamen into their mothers. Doesn't necessarily make them fathers.”

”Did you, did you ever know him?”

”Unfortunately yes.”

Benni was looking himself from the mirror again, straightening his lapels, face and voice lacking any signs of emotions. Mats felt like throwing up. Here he was, nonchalantly praising his own father like it was nothing, when Benni's father had apparently abandoned him. Every single thing he said just seemed to made the whole situation worse.

”You know what, I'm sorry I brought this up. You don't have to talk about it. Let's just focus on something else.”

”It's okay, I might as well. Just ask if you want to know.”

Mats wasn't sure if Benni really meant what he said. Who would want to talk about their father if he had abandoned them? Though it wouldn't be easy to start talk about football right now, either. Mats licked his lips, fiddled with the buttons of his blazer, kept a close eye on Benni's face if it ever showed signs of pain.

”When, when's the last time you saw him?”

Without taking a second to think, Benni started talking. He kept looking at the mirror, not giving Mats even a sideways glance. His voice was seemingly calm and composed, but there was a horrible undertone to it, one that made Mats' heart clench.

”I was nine. It was a Tuesday. I was really excited, because I got early from school on Tuesdays and we could spent some time together, just the two of us, before we would go get my brother and sister from the daycare. I waited on the school yard for him to come and pick me up. I waited and waited and waited. I wasn't completely familiar with the concept of time back then, but it felt like I waited forever. It was dark already when my mom finally came. Someone from the daycare had called her but it had taken some time before they reached her. She works in a hospital so she isn't always capable to come to the phone.

The four of us went home and mom left me to look after the kids when she started calling his work and his friends and the police and the hospitals and everyone. We thought he had been in an accident or something. Nobody knew anything though. It took days before he finally had the guts to call mom and tell her that oh yeah, he had moved to another city and started a new life and we were not part of it anymore. Days that we spent worrying and crying and searching him around the city. Days that we spent imagining every single thing that might've happened, expect him just leaving. Didn't even give any specific reason for his actions.

So then my mom had to organize her shifts so that she was only working during the days, I had to grow up and start going to school on my own and start looking after my siblings every time mom couldn't and we all had to get use to the fact that we didn't have a husband and father anymore. My brother can't even fully remember him, he was so little back then.”

Benni was still looking at the mirror, now fixing his hair. He hadn't hesitated a single time through his story. He might as well have told about what he had for breakfast this morning, he sounded so indifferent. Mats himself was stunned, close to tears. 

”Have you heard about him since? Do you know where he is?”

”He called us, once, I was sixteen then. I was home alone and answered the phone. He wanted to talk about this and that, everything, but I said I was super busy and couldn't talk right now. I said that if he left his number we all could call him back. I took the number up and said talk to you soon, dad and hang up. And then I called the operator and told them to block his number. Never told anyone else that he'd called. Figured we'd be better off without him.”

”And, and your mom, she hasn't found a new man?”

Finally Benni let some emotions through. He sneered, his lips pulling into a travesty of a smile.

”I think she has the same problem as me.”

”What's that?”

Benni turned away from the mirror, looked at Mats straight into the eyes, his smile a bit more human now, but in no way a happy one.

”Can't trust people anymore.”

Mats' heart broke. He vowed then and there that he would never ever, not even involuntarily, break Benni's trust. It didn't even matter if they ever ended up being boyfriends or not. This amazing person, this person that had been hurt so bad but still acted like it was nothing, deserved some people in his life that he could trust.

”I'm so sorry.” Mats didn't know what else to say, though he knew that it was not nearly enough. He couldn't believe that someone would voluntarily leave their children, even less so when one of the children was Benni.

”It's not your fault, Mats. Let's just go, we're gonna be late.”

Benni started towards the door. At least he had forgotten about his nervousness, but Mats really couldn't count that as a positive achievement right now.

***

Benni was having the time of his life. Why on earth had he resisted accepting Mats' invitation for so long? It was just like Mats had said, he had met a ton of interesting people, who for some reason all listened his rantings without dropping dead out of boredom, he had met Mats' father, who for some reason hadn't bat an eye for the fact that his son's plus one wasn't particularly girly, and he had enjoyed the free drinks, which for some reason were making him a bit giddy.

Benni was watching the charity auction with the biggest grin, swaying a little, when Mats returned from his trip to the bathroom.

”Are you drunk?” Mats asked with an incredulous laugh.

”No, of course not, that's stupid. I've had like three glasses of champagne.” Benni felt the need to held three of his fingers up and wave them in front of Mats' face.

”Sure, honey. Let's get you some fresh air.” Mats snaked his arm around Benni's waist, took a firm grip of his hip and started to guide him towards the balcony. 

Out in the brisk night, Benni sobered quickly. He really hadn't drank that much, but he drank alcohol so rarely that it got to his head really easily. He leaned his hands on the balcony railing, closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. The muffled sounds of the party barely reached his ears out here and Mats was still hovering temptingly close, Benni could feel the heat emitting from him, smell his cologne.

Mats stepped next to him, crouched over the railing too, looked up to Benni and flashed a broad smile. Benni switched positions, now having his front towards the door and backside on the railing, all the while looking Mats in the eyes. They were the only people on the balcony.

”Thank you for inviting me here, Mats. I really did have a great time.”

”See? You're so lucky I'm persuasive.”

”The word I'd use is stubborn. Maybe a bit pampered too.” Benni bent down and leaned closer to Mats, poked him on the cheek with his finger.

”Pampered?” Mats asked, too amused to even feign offence.

”Yep. You get everything you want.”

”Hardly,” Mats drawled. ”Daddy never got me a pony.” He fake pouted. Mats certainly didn't always get what he wanted, but maybe he could get the thing he wanted the most?

Even though Benni had sobered up some, he still laughed almost hysterically. Mats was funny.

”Come on, Benni boy, let's get you home.” 

Mats' pout had made way to a very fond smile. All the while their brief conversation, Benni had slid closer to Mats and Mats didn't have to move much to get his hands around Benni's waist, ready to hoist him up. Benni didn't seem ready to get up yet though. He was leaning ever closer to Mats, playing with Mats' tie, his eyes slowly travelling around Mats' face, his lips parting ever so slightly. Mats would have liked to stay like that too, maybe pull Benni even closer, breath the same air as Benni, let their noses brush each other, but at the same time someone entered the balcony. The sudden boost of volume level broke the peaceful and intimate bubble they were wrapped in and suddenly Benni was very eager to leave, leaping out of Mats' embrace. 

”Going home sounds good. I'll call a cab.”

”What? Nonsense, of course I'll take you.”

”No, I don't want to be any trouble.”

”Come on Benni, there's no trouble.”

”No, really, my friend promised to pick me up, I'm calling him now.” And sure enough, Benni was already dialing his phone, fidgeting restlessly, avoiding looking at Mats.

 

Mats felt defeated. Forgetting the unfortunate event at his home before they got at the party, the evening had been great. Benni had smiled at him, touched him multiple times, laughed with him, but just when Mats thought they were this close to kissing, Benni had backed up and started acting all distant again. He kept his hands deep in his pockets, avoided looking Mats too long and what crushed Mats' heart the most, refused to be taken home by him. No, instead he had called that giant again, the one who used to bring Benni to their meetings before they had started seeing each other at Mats' place.

Stupid Mats. Obviously the giant was Benni's boyfriend. Benni really had come to the party as a friend of Mats and had panicked when Mats had showed other plans, calling his boyfriend to the rescue. Mats was just a client to him. Maybe a friend too, at some point, but never a boyfriend. Mats never stood a chance against a guy like that.

***

”I'm so screwed, Manu.” Benni sighed when he sat down on Manu's car, closing his eyes and letting his head hit the back of the seat.

”And why is that?” Manu concentrated on driving. Benni was most likely worrying over nothing, once again.

”Cause I like him.” There was nothing new in Benni's confession, but at least he was finally admitting it, out loud.

”Horrible.”

”It is! I almost kissed him today!”

”And why is that such a bad thing?” Manu rolled his eyes. Benni and his problems.

”Because! He invited me there as his friend, he was very specific about that. Plus he's my client, I can't be kissing him! He offered to take me home too, but I can't have my clients do that, so I called you instead. Now he probably thinks that I'm homeless or something 'cause I'm not allowing him to see where I live.” Benni was developing a bit of a panic attack, his arms flying around frantically, his eyes staring at Manu round and wide.

”But is he your client though, anymore?”

”Yes! I'm wearing a suit that he bought for me!”

”Calm down, Benni.”

”No! I'm so stupid! I developed a crush the size of a universe for someone that buys sex from me. I almost kissed someone who was just being friendly towards me. I knew what he was after before and I know what he's after now, but still I'm having these stupid, unrealistic hopes that maybe there could be something more. Like anyone would like to date a hooker.”

Tonight he would be eating ice-cream for his sorrow, but tomorrow was a new day. Tomorrow, Benni would be just the thing Mats wanted. A friend. Nothing more.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super short, but I thought that the next chapter works better on its own rather than together with this one, as I had originally planned. I try to be fast with the next one.

Mats was in the friend-zone. He didn't even know that was possible with two guys. But here he was, only having sex in his dreams, only kissing in his imagination, only having candle-lit dinners in the lovely presence of he himself. Only hanging out with Benni as friends. Nothing even remotely romantic had happened after the charity event.

Still, he needed to be happy about it. At least he had Benni in his life in some way. And they did spend a lot of time together. They had had lunches together at the uni. They had taken to watch all their favourite tv-shows together. They had had great discussions about the superiority between Marco Reus and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. They had even went to see the derby between their respective football clubs. For once Mats wasn't too sad that his team had lost, the gleeful look on Benni's face had totally been worth it. The good-natured teasing that involved a lot of poking and shoving and consoling back-patting and all sorts of physical contact.

When they didn't have time to see each other during the day, they would spend half the night texting each other. Mats would say he spent the other half of the night wanking, if it wouldn't be so pathetic.

So for the most part, Mats was content. It was only when Benni wanted to invite Manu along too, when Mats had hard time. It wasn't that Mats didn't like Manu, but it hurt, really made his heart sting to see them so happy together, hugging and teasing and laughing at something only they knew what it was about. At least they weren't rubbing it to his face by kissing or the like in front of him.

Mats was also a bit surprised that Manu seemed to be so okay with the idea of his boyfriend spending so much time with someone who had had sex with him on a regular basis. But if their relationship worked like that, good for them. Mats wasn't one to judge.

Right now the three of them were playing Xbox at Manu's place. Manu was sitting on the floor, Benni was lying on the couch on his stomach, his feet propped up against the backrest and Mats was sitting at the other end of the couch. Manu and Benni were having a match and were concentrating on the tv, whereas Mats, without a controller, focused his attention on Benni instead. He had his concentration face on, eyes squinting, teeth gnawing the insides of his cheeks, head jerking to the side from time to time to get rid of the bangs in front of his vision.

He looked so cute it hurt.

And he was winning too, so pretty soon he would start jumping up and down from joy, would have the most smug smile a human being was capable of producing, would relentlessly mock Manu and Mats would break into pieces, would have to do everything there was to stop himself from kissing Benni.

”I think I'll head home.”

”What, already?” Benni immediately paused the game, turned to look at Mats apprehensively. Mats couldn't take this anymore.

”Yeah, I had a long day at work. I'll fall asleep right here if I stay.”

”Aww, Mats, just one more game! I want to see you beat Manu again.”

Benni expertly dodged the pillow Manu threw at him, without even looking. Mats wanted to gag at their sweetness. Then again, winning against Manu would be great. He would get at least some retribution. Maybe Benni would even hug him as a reward.

”Just one.”

Benni and Manu finished their game and Benni handed his controller to Mats. Mats was determined to win and apparently Benni was rooting for him too, as he started to disturb Manu in various ways, poking him and flashing his hand before his eyes. He tried to go as far as tickling, lifting Manu's shirt up, but for some reason he stopped right there, looking shocked.

”Manu!”

”Stop it Benni.” Manu tried to squirm away.

”No, Manu, you have a hickey! On your hip!”

Manu's face turned from annoyed to smug but he kept on playing. Mats tried to act like he wasn't paying any attention to them.

”I want details, Manu!”

”Let's just say she was pretty wild.” Manu flashed some teeth.

Mats so should have left when he first wanted to. Now he was a witness for Benni discovering his boyfriend was cheating on him. With a girl at that. He wouldn't be getting any hugs today.

”More, more, more!”

For some reason Benni didn't seem hurt at all though. In fact he looked rather excited.

”That's what she said.”

Both boys burst into laughter. They even high fived. They officially had the weirdest relationship ever.

Manu paused the game and started telling Benni all about this girl he had met at a club yesterday, very animatedly, in a very detailed manner. Benni listened eagerly, looking like a kid who had just heard that Christmas was tomorrow, asked specifying questions. Neither of them seemed to remember that Mats was in the room too. He looked the two of them, very confused. Had he maybe jumped into conclusions?

Mats wanted that to be the case, wanted it with his whole heart, but he didn't dare to, not yet. He needed more information. They wouldn't be the first couple to have some sort of open relationship, though they probably would be the only ones who were _this_ open. Mats' own ears were burning from listening to Manu's story.

Manu and Benni being only friends would explain why Manu was so okay with Mats spending time with them. Though the open relationship thing explained that too. Friendship would explain why Benni was able to text him during nights. Though Manu might be entertaining women at that time and Benni just wanted some company. With friendship, Mats could interpret some of Benni's earlier actions as a sign of romantic interest. With open relationship, Mats could interpret some of Benni's earlier actions as a sign of sexual interest.

God, Mats was so baffled.

Mats cleared his throat, started to get up. ”I really should be going now.”

Benni snapped his head towards him. He looked like he was about to argue again, but a second glance at Mats' red cheeks convinced him otherwise.

”Just wait a sec, I'll walk you out.”

Mats bid goodbye to Manu and walked to the hallway with Benni, in silence, Benni looking a bit remorseful. Benni put on his shoes but not his jacket, he clearly meant to come back again once Mats was gone. Friendship or relationship?

”Ugh, sorry about that, I got a bit carried away,” Benni winced, once they got outside and Manu couldn't hear them anymore.

”Nah, it's okay,” Mats shrugged.

They walked a bit further in a rather awkward silence. Mats wanted so badly to ask Benni about Manu, about the thing between them, but he didn't know how to do that subtly. He couldn't just plain out ask if they were dating, right?

”Have, have you and Manu know each other for long?” He finally asked, hands buried deep inside his pockets.

”Yeah, we met when I was like four or something. We were neighbours when we were kids.” Benni smiled tenderly.

”Oh wow, you guys must be really close then.”

Benni chuckled. ”You could say that. He's always been there for me. I love him to death."

Relationship.

"He's like a brother to me.”

Friendship? People definitely didn't refer to their boyfriends as brothers. That was just wrong. 

Mats wanted to try things out with Benni, just once more. He desperately wanted Benni to be more than a friend to him. If Benni didn't want that he would make a fool of himself, but so be it then. If there was even the tiniest of chances that Benni might like him back, it was totally worth it.

He needed a plan though. He couldn't just ask Benni out, invite him to any sort of event that would scream out 'date' from miles away. It needed to be innocent, something that two friends could do, but with a chance of romantic happenings as well. 

”Hey, hey Benni?”

”Hmm?”

”I hear there's a funfair in town this week, wanna test it out tomorrow with me?”

”A funfair?” Benni asked amused. ”What are we, five?”

Mats couldn't help the grin spreading to his face. ”Well, I'd hate to be a nitpick but technically speaking you _are_ five.”

”Hey! I'm almost six already,” Benni glared.

”Sure honey, less than a year to go anymore. So funfair it is?”

”Well, I have the evening shift tomorrow but I guess I could come in the morning.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again a shorter one, but hopefully more pleasing than the previous chapter.

”This place looks like people die here.”

Benni was eyeing the funfair suspiciously. It had certainly seen better days. Even the bright spring sun, full of hope and promises of better days, didn't make it seem very tempting. The rides were rusty, some lacking serious amounts of paint, creaking ominously in the light wind. The food stands were in desperate need of cleaning, especially the ones selling something greasy. The games were the only ones that didn't look deadly, just a bit outdated.

”Oh come on, it's not that bad, Benni. Let's just avoid the most ancient looking rides and maybe the hot dogs and we should be fine. Want a cotton candy or something?”

”Okay, but I'm not risking eating the whole thing on my own, I'm sharing one with you,” Benni grimaced.

Sharing a cotton candy, score for Mats. Shady looking funfair, score for universe or karma or whatever it was that wanted Mats to fail his mission.

Mats went to get them the cotton candy and they wandered around the area eating it, Benni enjoying the laughing kids and the beautiful day, Mats mainly enjoying the presence of Benni and the off chance of their hands brushing together while grabbing more of the pink sugar. Life was wonderful indeed.

They tried some of the games too, Benni proving to be quite a pro in most of them. It wasn't even that Mats was letting him win, but the damn concentration face of Benni didn't exactly improve his chances. The face and the fact that Benni apparently was incapable of playing nicely, applying the same cheeky methods of bugging Mats during his turn as he had used against Manu the last night. Mats tried to ignore them as best as he could, so Benni would have to resort to tickling again. It took rather serious shoving during Benni's turn, ruining all his throws, before Mats was finally rewarded with the precious fingers under his shirt, brushing his sides. Score for Mats.

”Are you ready to test the rides yet?” Mats asked, out of breath, once they were finally done with their tickling match.

”You know, I'm kinda fond of my head, I'd rather not part ways with it just yet.”

”Oh come on. We're not gonna die, do you think they'd let this place be open if it wasn't safe?” Mats hoped the place was safe. The universe would get a quite massive amount of scores if they died.

”There always needs to be the unfortunate first ones. Might as well be us, we're like five times bigger than most of the people using these rides.”

”We're hardly the only adults here. Let's just try something safe first. Like the Ferris wheel.” 

”You call that safe?! It's like hundred meters tall, that's quite a fall.” Benni looked horrified at the wheel, towering above them. 

”Are you scared? Little chicken Benni? Want me to hold your hand?” Mats patted Benni's head patronisingly. 

Benni's face turned to resemble annoyed one in a matter of seconds. He started to march off towards the Ferris wheel determinedly, his chin held up high and his fists clenching tightly, leaving Mats to look after him, baffled and amused.

Ride in the Ferris wheel. Score for Mats.

***

Benni might have a little fear of heights. Maybe the 'little' was a slight understatement as well. But he would not in a million years let Mats notice that. It annoyed him enough that after such a short time they had known each other, Mats already knew which buttons to push to make Benni do just what he wanted him to. Calling him chicken. Benni was having none of that. He would step into the godforsaken thing straight from the lowest pits of hell and ride it like a man, no matter how much it swayed and creaked and steadily climbed towards the skies.

There was no shame in keeping his eyes closed the entire time though, especially when he was acting like he was looking the view, turning his face away from Mats.

”Hey look, you can see our uni from here!”

Shit shit shit shit. Now Benni actually needed to look what Mats was pointing at. Just move your head steadily Benni, don't look down, take a quick peek, hope to god that the building is far enough in the horizon that you don't have to look downwards and then look at Mats or something, anything that you could concentrate on that wasn't the fucking ground.

And of course the device had to stop, right when they were at the peak. What had Benni ever done to deserve this torture? As planned, he kept his eyes firmly on Mats. Mats was admiring the scenery for a while before turning to Benni, looking at him for a while with smile and wonder in his eyes.

”It's quite a view, isn't it?”

Benni looked at Mats, nodded.

”Never fully understood how beautiful it really is.”

Benni really looked at Mats, deep in the eyes, hesitated a while, nodded.

Suddenly Benni had forgotten all about his fear. He had forgot about anything and everything except Mats and his captivating chocolate brown eyes twinkling from joy, his playful curls dancing in the light breeze, his temptingly plumb lips edging closer to Benni.

Benni edged closer too, met Mats' lips in the halfway. He lost all sense of time and place, just concentrated on the wonderful feeling of the kiss, two pairs of lips sliding against each other, two tongues swirling against each other, two sets of rapid breathing mixing, two heartbeats finding a common rhythm. Concentrated on the feeling of Mats, how good he was, how good he felt, how right this was. Benni could easily spent the rest of his day, the rest of his life doing this, just tasting Mats, exploring him, feeling those lips on him and – 

The cart started moving forward again, with a forceful nudge, breaking them apart. Benni grabbed the safety rail with one hand, Mats' shirt with the other, hold on to both with white knuckles, pressed his eyes even more shut than they already were.

”We're so gonna die here.”

Mats wrapped his hands around Benni. ”At least I'll die happy.”

Despite the morbid danger he was in, Benni couldn't help laughing.

”What?” Mats sounded confused.

Benni dared an amused peek at Mats. ”That's the cheesiest thing I've ever heard.”

Gradually Mats started laughing too, but he didn't say anything, just took hold of Benni's nape and pulled him into another kiss again. They kept on kissing the entire ride. They kept on kissing once they were on the ground again. They just kept on kissing and kissing, neither of them thinking that there might be something better to do. It wasn't until Benni was completely out of breath that he pulled out for more than a second.

”You think we've seen enough of this funfair?”

”Why, do you have other plans?”

Benni looked up at Mats, his face spreading into a beautiful, suggestive smile.

***

Mats pushed Benni against the wall, attacked his neck, kicked the door shut behind him. Benni toed off his shoes, pulled Mats closer to himself by his belt loops. The car ride back to Mats' place had been a long and frustrating one.

Benni started to guide Mats towards the living room, pushed him to the couch, never letting his lips part Mats'. The couch wasn't big enough for them to fool around effectively, but the bedroom was way too far away. 

”This is amazing, Benni,” Mats tried to breath out.

”Less talking, more kissing.”

”Yes, sir.”

They kept kissing, stroking, caressing, exploring each other's bodies in a way they had never done before. Their fantasies of intimacy were finally coming true and they took full advantage of that, letting their lips touch everywhere, letting their fingers find every spot. The fervour in their movements slowly faded, made way to a more careful ministrations.

Benni was resting his head on Mats' chest, drawing patterns on his flank under the shirt, letting their feet rub against each other. Mats was holding Benni tightly, partly for not wanting him to fall off the couch and partly for wanting every part of Benni touching him. Both of them were grinning madly.

”I can't believe I waited this long to actually do this,” Mats mumbled into Benni's hair.

”Why did you wait this long? I really thought you just wanted to be my friend.” Benni lifted his head, turned to look at Mats.

Mats chewed his lip nervously. ”Promise not to laugh.”

”Okay.”

”I thought Manu was your boyfriend.”

Benni started to laugh hysterically.

”You promised not to do that!” Mats swatted Benni's ass.

”Well, it's pretty hard not to, Manu is a bit too into girls for my liking,” Benni managed to say through fits of laughter.

”Yeah, I got that.”

Mats pouted and Benni giggled for a while, before turning rather wistful and shy, pulling his hand from underneath Mats' shirt, turning his gaze down again.

”It's been quite some time since I last had a boyfriend.”

Mats tensed up. Was Benni trying to imply what he thought he was, or was he just hallucinating, jumping into conclusions again because he hoped it so much?

”Wo-would you like to have one?”

”If it's the right person, absolutely,” Benni whispered.

Mats licked his lips. ”What if, what if the person was me?”

Benni's lips pulled into a timid smile. He turned his eyes on Mats again, with hope on them matching the one that Mats was feeling. He slowly lowered down, pressed the smallest of kisses on the corner of Mats' mouth.

Score score score score for Mats.

***

Benni was on his way to work. As much as he would have liked to spend the whole day with Mats, wrapped in his arms, glued to his lips, he had other duties as well. Less pleasing duties at that, but duties nonetheless. And he would see Mats again tomorrow, he had promised to take Benni to dinner.

Benni decided to call Manu, sulk a bit for him for making Mats believe they were dating. 

”Mats and me are done.” Benni got as much anger in his voice as possible.

”What?”

”Yeah, the whole friendship thing, it's over now.”

”What he do this time?”

”He made me go to a Ferris wheel.”

If Manu hadn't sounded surprised by Benni's original news, this made him pause. Benni had hard time stifling his giggle while imagining Manu's incredulous face.

”And you got mad for him for _that_? How fucking stupid are you, Benni?!” Manu yelled at him. 

”And then we kissed.”

”You – You what?”

”We kissed on the Ferris wheel. And once we got back on the ground. And on the way to Mats' car. And on the car. And on his parking lot. And on the elevator. And on the corridor. And on his hallway. And on his living room. And –”

”Okay, okay, okay, I got the picture, jeez.”

”Yeah, there was quite a lot of kissing. Think I need to buy some lip balm.” Benni smacked his lips for emphasis.

”But you're not friends anymore?” Manu asked carefully.

”No, not just friends.” Benni flashed a brilliant smile.

"About fucking time."


	13. Chapter 13

Erik had to stop to take a second look. For a while there he had thought he had seen Mats kissing someone at the university lobby. It had to be someone else though, Mats hadn't managed to progress further even with Benni. But no, the smooching guy really was Mats. Maybe the blond was Benni then? Or some new guy, representing the famous type Mats seemed to be so into. Erik needed to investigate.

”Good morning, Mats,” Erik coughed once he was close enough. Both men jumped up a bit from surprise, turned to look at him. The blond really was Benni, as far as Erik recognised him from the one time he had seen him in the grocery store.

”Uh, morning Erik. You remember me telling you about Benni, right? Benni, this is my friend Erik.” Mats flushed a bit, from pride or from embarrassment, Erik wasn't sure, maybe from both.

Benni turned to look at Erik, gave him a kind smile and a little 'hi'. Then he turned his adoring eyes into Mats again. 

”So I gather you guys leaped up from the friend-zone then?”

Benni chuckled, Mats nodded. Neither of them bothered to look at Erik. Nor did they want to take their hands off each other. God, they were sickening already, after what must be only days worth of dating.

”Finally got fed up with spinning your wheels, huh?”

Mats burst out laughing, Benni huffed.

”Well, after several months of both wanting this I'm just glad it finally happened,” Benni eventually told to a confused Erik.

”Several months? I thought you'd known each other for just a couple of weeks or something like that.”

Mats stopped laughing. Benni was frowning.

”No, we've definitely known each other since last Autumn.”

”Mats specifically told me he met you just before his dad's party.”

Erik and Benni were looking at each other confused, looked at a nervously sweating Mats, looked at each other again, until Benni's face lit up with realisation.

”Has Mats told you about Roman?” He asked, delightful.

”Uh, yes?” What did that had to do with Benni? Erik had no idea about what was going on. Benni was smiling like the fact that Mats had an ex just like him was the greatest news ever. Judging by the astonished look on Mats' face, he hadn't realised that Benni and Roman knew each other too.

”I'm Roman.”

”What?” Erik's eyebrows jumped to the heights.

”I said I'm Roman. The same Roman that Mats met last Autumn.”

”You're Roman.”

”Yes.”

”And Benni.”

”Yes.”

”Both.”

”Yes.”

”I don't understand.”

”I lied my name at first.”

Erik looked at the two men before him. Benni, or Roman, or who ever the guy really was, was looking back at him with an unfaltering smile on his face, like it was completely normal to lie about one's name for months. Mats was trying to telepathically communicate with his schizophrenic of a boyfriend, to no avail. And to think that Erik had considered this situation to be weird before.

”Why would you do that?”

”Has Mats told you how we met?”

”Benni, this isn't a good idea...” Mats had abandoned the telepathy, finally gave voice to his concerns. Benni ignored him.

”What does that have to do with anything?”

”We met online.”

”Benni!” Mats was now furiously trying to make Benni stop the story. Benni kept on smiling.

”Online? Mats said that you met at a club. Well, he met Roman at a club and Benni at the grocery store where you work.”

”No, we definitely met online, and I don't use my real name online, my mama taught me that.”

Again that shameless, unwavering smile. Erik looked at Mats confused. Mats strangely looked rather relieved.

”Why you lied to me about how you two met?” And why had Mats lied to him about the whole name-change situation too, claiming to have met a completely new person instead? Why was Mats covering for this liar? Erik had no idea what was going on.

”Umm, you know, it's kind of embarrassing to meet people online...” Mats finally averted his eyes from Benni, only to look at his shoes.

”No it's not. It's perfectly normal nowadays. I in fact just met this great language student online.”

”Oh, you've met someone special?”

”Oh no, we're not changing the subject! We're still discussing about you and this Benni-Roman here!” Erik shook his index finger at Mats.

”You know what, I'm terribly late from my lecture, I have to hurry off. See you at lunch, Mats! It was great to meet you, Erik.”

Whit a little peck on Mats' cheek, Benni left them, started walking off, and Erik considered it to be a small miracle that he wasn't skipping and whistling too. That guy.

***

Erik may think that Benni was weird and untrustworthy, but Mats ignored him. He knew why Benni had used a false name, understood him completely. While Erik concentrated on Benni lying, Mats concentrated on the fact that Benni had eventually told him his real name. For him that was a far more telling trait of Benni, of his feelings towards Mats. He couldn't even be mad to Benni for joking around Erik, as he apologised by kissing him senseless.

All in all, things between them were great. Mats spent his days worshiping Benni, doing all the things he had wanted to do with Roman but couldn't. Taking Benni to dates, calling him a boyfriend, holding his hand, kissing him until his lips were numb. But the one thing he had been doing with Roman, he wasn't doing with Benni.

They weren't having sex. No handjobs, no blowjobs, no dry-humping, no touching through clothes, nothing. Mats hadn't even seen his boyfriend without a shirt. Mats hadn't spent a single night in the same bed as him.

Mats understood Benni, to a degree at least. For such a long time, having sex with Mats had been a sort of duty to Benni, a must, something he had to do every time Mats told him to. Even if Benni had taken personal pleasure from it too, he had taken Mats' money as well. It wouldn't be easy to overcome it, tune in to a new frequency of equality, sharing the pleasures, making love. Understanding that now he would be able to do all those things he had restricted himself from earlier.

What Mats couldn't understand was why Benni always backed off when things got heated, even when Mats could clearly see and feel that Benni was as much turned on as he was. Even when Mats showed him all the love he had to give, all the devotion that Benni deserved.

Mats tried to be patient however. Nothing good could come out of him pressuring Benni into submission, it would just make Benni retreat further into his protective shield. It was so damn hard though. He had the hottest boyfriend in the solar system, possibly in the galaxy. The noises Benni made when they kissed, the mumbles the whimpers the moans, were all driving him crazy from lust. The roaming hands under his shirt, leaving hot, tingling trails behind them when they trailed downwards were making his brain forgetting every other thought than simply _more._

So he would do something stupid, like trying to pull Benni in to his lap, move his hands to Benni's zipper, whisper words of wanting to Benni's ear, and Benni would leap out of his grasp like Mats was poisonous. Like Benni had just then realised what he was doing and with whom. It hurt Mats but he tried not to read too much in to it. It was just Benni being nervous. It was proving to be ever more difficult though, especially when Benni refused to even talk about it, acting like it never happened, just wanting to go home straight afterwards.

Like today. They had had a nice dinner, they had gone to see a movie, they had come back to Mats' for some cuddling. Benni had been a bit reserved at the restaurant, but in the darkness of the movie theater he had focused more on Mats than on the film. Licking Mats' earlobes, breathing hot air to Mats' neck, gripping firmly Mats' thigh. Much the same had continued on the couch as well. Then Mats had thought that he could do something of the like as well, but of course that was a bit silly from him.

As soon as his hips ground into Benni, he jumped off the couch. Mats let out a frustrated groan, hid his face on his elbow crooks.

”Just give me a minute, I'll take you home.”

Blisters. Splinters below skin. Hair growing from ears. Dead puppies. Dirty socks. His mom's underwear.

”I'm sorry, Mats,” Benni said, with a soul-crushingly timid, trembling voice. Mats got back to his senses with a bolt. Forget dead puppies, Benni in agony, close to tears was the biggest turn-off ever.

”No, Benni! There's nothing for you to be sorry for. If anything, I should be sorry for not respecting your boundaries. We're not in a hurry, you just take all the time you need.”

Mats really hoped Benni could hear the assurance in his voice, see it in his face, feel it in the gentle hug and little peck to the forehead. Mats would honestly wait a thousand years, spend the rest of his days in celibacy if that was what Benni wanted.

Hopefully not though.

After dropping Benni home, Mats drove straight to Manu's. It was quite late already, but Mats would risk the wrath of woken Manu for the possibility that he could offer some help to their situation. Manu indeed wasn't very pleased to find Mats behind his door, but let him in anyway with the magic words 'it's about Benni'.

***

Benni thumped the bedroom door close behind him, let out an angry yell, pulled his hair. Kicked the stuff on his floor, swept the things off from his desk. Slumped on his bed face first, hit repeatedly his pillow.

Why couldn't he do this? He wanted it, wanted Mats, more than anything ever, but couldn't let him have him, no matter how he tried. He just freaked out, froze. Benni didn't understand what was going on, didn't understand himself. He had let all sorts of disgusting men fuck him, had let bald, fat, sweaty, old pervs have their way with him, with a smile plastered on his face, but he couldn't have sex with the hottest, fit, most beautiful man in the world. With his own boyfriend, who took his breath away by just merely existing.

Sooner or later, Mats was going to leave. He could have anyone he wanted, yet he was stuck with miserable and pathetic Benni. This pitiful creature, who didn't even let Mats fuck him. So far Mats had been understanding, but it wouldn't last forever. Everyone, even the most patient Mats, had a breaking point.

Benni would inevitably lose Mats like this. He would lose the best thing in his life, just like he had lost everything else, because his own incapability.

***

”And when we go out somewhere in public, like for dinner this evening, he's always a bit tensed up. Like is he ashamed of me or something? I don't get it, cause he doesn't usually act like that. And I asked if he doesn't want to go out with me but he claims it's nothing of the sort. But he doesn't tell what's the problem either.” Mats rambled on.

”And, and I don't know how much you guys talk but...” Mats blushed furiously. ”We haven't... haven't done... anything other than kissing yet,” he told his hands.

Manu furrowed his brows. ”If you're in it for only sex, you might just leave him be right now and find someone else.”

What? That was what Manu focused on? Didn't he listen how Mats spent the last fifteen minutes telling him about how there was clearly something troubling Benni and how Mats wanted to find out what it was so that he could help him?

”No, that's not what I meant!” Mats cried out. ”I'll wait just as long as he needs. I meant that it's just one example of how it shows that there's something bothering him and I'm just wondering if it's something that I've done, something that I haven't even realised I've done. He doesn't want to talk about it, so therefore I can't fix it and I'm worried he'll start to hate me because of it. I don't want him to hate me.”

”Well, if he doesn't want to talk about it, I'm not sure if I should either. I'm not comfortable with talking about Benni's personal issues without him knowing about it.”

”I get that, and you don't have to tell me his life secrets. Just please tell if there's something that I can do. I don't want to lose him because of this.” Mats was getting desperate. His go to guy in relationships, Erik, would not in a million years help him with Benni anymore. And Manu and Benni were super close, Manu had to know what it was that Benni was thinking.

Manu looked at Mats, contemplating. Mats did have a point. Benni would never in his right mind tell him what it was that bothered him. Not even if nurturing the feelings inside drove him and Mats apart. Benni didn't feel he deserved Mats. Benni was afraid that Mats would find someone else. So rather than just wait for that to happen, wait for his heart to be broken, in Benni's eyes it was better to drive Mats away. But Manu could see how Mats looked at Benni. Manu could see how good Mats was for Benni.

”Look, the main thing is, Benni doesn't trust people. Specifically, he doesn't trust people he is into. It has nothing to do with you, it's just his track record.”

Mats nodded. ”I know. I mean I don't know if I know everything there is to it, but I know at least something.”

Manu was surprised. That was definitely new from Benni. Maybe Manu could be a bit more open with Mats then? Help a friend in need, explain his actions when he couldn't to it himself.

”The thing that has something to do with you though, is the way you shower with money.” Manu leaned over the table they were sitting at, looked at Mats severely.

”W-what?” Mats reflected the amazed look of Manu from seconds before. ”But I never make a deal out of him not having money. I always pay when we go somewhere. I'm buying him everything he wants.”

”That's the problem. He feels like you're still paying him for sex. He's unconsciously waiting for you to get what you want so you can leave him right after it.” Manu crossed his arms.

”What?! I would never want him to feel like that. I just love pampering him. It's the best use I've ever had for my money.” Mats felt terrible. He had thought it had been a good thing to give Benni things he hadn't afforded before.

”And believe me, I don't have a problem with it, but Benni does. And it's not nice for him to see that you can wipe your ass with hundred Euro bills if you want to, when he has no idea how to pay next semester's tuition fees.”

”He, he doesn't have money for that? Why hasn't he told me anything, I could've helped him.” This was so much worse than Mats had ever imagined. Benni had stopped whoring, his main income, because of Mats, and Mats just bought him ice-creams and nice clothes.

”Haven't you been listening to anything I've just told you?” Manu rolled his eyes. ”I swear to god, you two were just made for each other. The other one doesn't talk and the other one doesn't listen.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wouldn't be what it is without the help of wonderful, wonderful song [Shake It Out](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs) by Florence + The Machine. Listen to it before, after or during reading, whatever works best for you, but listen to it. If you're deaf, the lyrics can be found [here](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/florencethemachine/shakeitout.html). Also the lovely cover [Hounds of Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcMAM9B7yAA) by the Futureheads made a contribution.
> 
>  
> 
> ( _200 kudos_ , OMG, I love you <3___<3)

Mats took Manu's advice to heart. He toned down the unnecessary money spending, took Benni to cheap places too, stopped buying him extravagant gifts, let him pay for his own ice-cream every now and then. He wanted to do more too, but he couldn't exactly blurt out that hey Benni, want me to pay for your tuition fees, I happen to have extra couple of thousands?

He also made extra effort to keep his hands to himself. It certainly wasn't always easy, but he tried. Little by little, he tried to show Benni through his actions that he was here to stay, permanently if Benni didn't object. Tried to make Benni feel comfortable with him, tried to make Benni trust him.

Benni was huffing and puffing, struggling to keep his eyes open. He had, once again, cut down from his sleep time in favour of Mats and studies and Mats and work and Mats. And Mats. Besides, Mats' chest was way too comfy as a pillow. Unless it vibrated in time with his chuckles, like now.

”Are you falling asleep, Benni boy?”

”No. I'm just snoring cause I have nothing better to do.”

”Oh, I can think of a few things we could do if you're bored.” 

Benni was hundred percent sure that Mats was wiggling his eyebrows. He didn't give him the satisfaction of looking, though.

”Stop snickering, I need my pillow to be still so I can sleep.”

Mats did as told, petted Benni's hair, enjoyed the warm and comfort tugging his heartstrings. Until he decided to just go for it.

”You work too much, you're always tired.”

Great, they were having the money talk now. Benni groaned, hid his head into Mats' armpit. Manu had warned him it would happen. Had of course told him to accept Mats' help, but Benni was not going to do that. He wasn't a charity case. 

”I have to pay child support. Oh, by the way, did I mention I have a love child that I made when I was eighteen? Yeah, he's great, you should totally meet him some day.”

”Uh, umm...”

Benni lifted his head, looked at a scared and baffled Mats.

”It was a joke, Mats. I wouldn't touch anyone's vagina even if my life depended on it. And I'm not letting you pay for my education.”

”Actually, I was wondering why you're not getting a loan?” No, he hadn't been wondering that, but it was too late to argue with Benni now. Of course Manu had told Benni about their conversation. What _didn't_ they talk about?

Benni pulled up, shoved Mats' feet off the couch to make room for him to sit. He wasn't feeling tired anymore. He nibbled his nails for a while before answering.

”What if I don't get a job after I graduate? Then I'd be unemployed, homeless cause I can't live in the student apartments anymore and stuck with a huge debt. I'd be in even deeper shit that I'm now.”

Mats sat up too, slung an arm around Benni. He had just come up with a crazy idea, but it could work. It would allow Benni to be stubborn, independent and self-sufficient all that crap that was so important to him, while Mats could also be of help.

”I know you want to pay the fees on your own, but what if, what if you got a loan and I'd be your guarantor?”

Benni gaped, stared at Mats for what felt like minutes, all sorts of thoughts racing in his head. What?

”You can't do that!”

”Why not?”

”We've dated for like two months! What if I hate you when I graduate and make you pay the loan just because I'm a bitch?”

”Then I'd accept it as a worthy punishment for making the most awesome person in the world hate me.”

Benni didn't know what to say. Yes, he hated working in the store during weekdays. Yes, he had only two years left, the loan he would need for them would probably be less than Mats' weekly allowance. Yes, Manu would scream for him for a week straight if he reclined. No, it would not hurt his pride to accept help once in his life.

”I don't know, Mats...”

”Benni, I'm taking you to a bank tomorrow. End of discussion.”

Mats turned back to the tv, let his head drop to Benni's shoulder. Benni gingerly pushed his fingers to Mats' curls, stopped supressing the small smile. He had the best boyfriend ever.

***

Benni and Mats celebrated their entrance to the world of debt with a lavish three-course dinner in their favourite restaurant. Mats made Benni pay for the whole thing (”you don't need to save anymore, honey!”) and Benni revenged by rubbing Mats' thigh under the table the entire evening (”is everything alright, sweetie, you don't look too well?”).

By the time they finally got back to his place, Mats was ready to rip his clothes, Benni's clothes, everybody's clothes off. He just needed some skin to skin contact, _now._ Thankfully Benni felt much the same, eagerly helped Mats out of his shirt, panted like he had just finished the marathon.

They stumbled to the living room with equally shaking steps, both a bit uncertain of their path as they had better things to do than look where they were going. Somehow they found the couch, crashed on to it as a pile of limbs and lips and lust.

Mats was already doing a little victory dance in his head when Benni broke their kiss, made a noise not out from pleasure, hid his face in the crook of Mats' neck. Mats suppressed a sigh, counted it as progress that Benni hadn't moved from on top of him yet.

”Shh, Benni, it's okay. This doesn't have to lead on to anything,” Mats soothed him, gently caressed his lower back, left a feather light kiss to his hair. Benni made little noises, Mats couldn't really decipher if they were sobs or moans or pants or some mix of all three.

Benni was close to tears. He wanted Mats, he really did. He draw comfort from Mats' pulse on his cheek, strength from the fresh smell of Mats' hair.

”I don't know how to do it, Mats,” Benni whispered. The hot puffs of his breath tickled Mats.

”Do what? I don't understand.”

”Forget everything.”

Benni lifted his head, looked Mats straight in the eyes, but not really seeing through the pain, the agony, the bad memories. Mats looked back, not stopping stroking Benni's back for a second.

”We can't even tell people how we met.”

”Benni...” Mats reached out to kiss the tip of Benni's nose. ”You don't have to forget things like that. Just make sure you have room for new memories too. We have plenty of good things to come in our future.”

Mats lifted his other hand to card his fingers through Benni's hair.

”And yeah, maybe we can't tell our grand-kids how we met, but we can tell them other stories. Like how you almost passed out in the Ferris wheel –”

”Did not.”

”– And I had to give you mouth-to-mouth. And how I spent ages luring you to my dad's party, only for you to get drunk there –”

”Did not!”

”– Before I could kiss you. And how I planned the best way to murder Manu for weeks so I could steal you for myself from him.”

”You're making these stories up too,” Benni complained, flicked Mats' cheek. The bastard had the audacity to laugh.

Mats giggled a while for Benni's annoyed face, before getting serious again. He hold Benni just a little bit tighter to himself.

”You didn't do it because you're a bad person, Benni. You did it cause you had to, you didn't have a choice. And I'm glad, because I wouldn't have met you otherwise. Without you, I'd still be stuck in a miserable relationship, thinking that this is how it's supposed to feel, that this is happiness. It wasn't, but I'm happy now, Benni, more happy than I ever thought was possible. I'm happy that you're in my life, I'm happy that you're in my arms, I'm happy that you're mine to kiss when I want to.”

Mats pressed his mouth to Benni's, gently pulled Benni's lower lip with his teeth, slid his tongue slowly over it, kissed him with overwhelming passion, listened to the soft moan his actions drew from Benni. It was all getting too much. Mats pulled out, cupped Benni's chin.

”I want you," Mats rasped. "I want you so bad. You. Benni. Not Roman, not anyone else. Just Benni.” Mats slowly snaked his hand underneath Benni's shirt and started to stroke his back and sides again. Benni let out a sort of yelp with a trembling voice, lowered his head back to Mats' neck.

”I would kiss you the whole time.” Mats emphasized his words by slowly kissing Benni right on the mouth.

”I would look you in the eyes the whole time.” Mats lashed his dark eyes, looking hungrily at Benni.

”I would whisper your name the whole time, Benni, Benni, Benni.”

This was by far the most arousing situation Benni had ever been in. It was ridiculous really, not counting Mats' shirt they were both fully clothed, there had only been some making out, Benni couldn't even feel Mats' hard-on at this position. There was only Mats' hand on his back, his lips on his neck and his sweet words on his ears. Benni shivered.

He had had his fair share of sexual encounters, but he had never really made love to anyone. He hadn't wanted to and haven't had the chance to. Sex to him was just fucking, flying from one bed to another, no strings attached. Benni was quite keen on sharing that new experience with Mats. Just hearing Mats envisioning it sounded amazing. He just didn't know how to do it. Didn't know how to match the tender, delicate, adoring actions of Mats.

It was supposed to be something temporary. Something that he could do for a while, quit when he didn't need to do it anymore and then leave it to his past, never think about it again. I was supposed to be careless, not leave any lingering memories, not hurt anyone. 

He had done horrible, unspeakable things. Mats had even witnessed some of them. He was an empty shell of a human being, not worthy of anyone's attention. So how could Mats be here, looking for all the world like he genuinely cared for him? How could Mats be so wonderful? What Benni had ever done in his life to deserve this?

Benni contemplated. He could keep on living the same way he had done this far, always fearing, waiting for the worst to happen, slowly breaking the small string of trust that was building between them. Or he could jump from the cliff head first, dive in to the unknown, towards new experiences. He could start appreciating Mats for all that he had done so far, for all that he promised to do in the future. 

He had broken all his rules for Mats. He had let Mats come closer than anyone else before. Why stop here?

He had done what he had done and Mats didn't care. Mats wanted him anyway. Mats was even glad about it. His past would always be there, but hopefully so would Mats too. His past had shaped him into what he was, and Mats wanted the whole package.

”Okay, Mats,” Benni whispered, so silent that even he had trouble hearing it.

”You sure, baby?” Mats started combing his fingers through Benni's hair. Benni didn't trust his voice, or anything else for that matter, so he just pressed a small kiss on Mats' temple and shifted his weight a little, so his hips were pressing onto Mats' thigh. Mats inhaled sharply.

Benni tried to stop himself from shaking. Why was he so god damn nervous? This was hardly his first time, it wasn't even his first time with Mats. They had done this countless of times before. Benni was usually the one pulling the strings, but this time he was glad that Mats was taking the lead.

Mats sat up, Benni in his lap and gathered him in his arms.

”Hold on tight, we're gonna take you to bed.”

True to his words, Mats stood up and lifted Benni with him. Benni instinctively wrapped his legs around Mats' waist. He was scared, so scared, but fortunately Mats was doing all the right things, saying all the right words to sooth him. Holding Benni securely and tightly against himself, Mats started kissing him again and walking towards the bedroom.

Once there, Mats gently laid Benni on the bed and started opening the buttons of his shirt, never letting his lips leave Benni's, until it was time to move on to kissing his now bare chest.

”You're perfect, Benni.”

And so it continued, Mats slowly letting Benni know his love and devotion through kisses, caresses and whispers. Benni gradually relaxed, started to return the favour. It took nearly forever, or so it felt, before they were finally uniting in the physical sense too. As promised, Mats kept looking Benni in the eyes and altering between kissing him and whispering sweet words of pleasure.

Where Mats ended and Benni started, neither of them knew.

Benni was overwhelmed by the whole experience. It had not even once occurred to him that something so slow-paced, so loving, so regular and so _boring_ could be so passionate. Mats was driving him downright crazy, and not the kind of crazy he was used to, being desperate to come, but a whole new kind of crazy, where his whole universe seemed to revolve around Mats.

The pleasure pooling in his stomach was nothing compared to the whirlwind of emotions in his heart.

”You close? I want to come same time with you.”

With a barely audible 'Mats' Benni came. It wasn't his biggest orgasm ever, but it was without a doubt the best.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue of sort. It's short and sweet, just like me.

”Oh, did Benni leave already? I thought I saw him a minute ago.” Mats' dad burst into his office, startling Mats, looked around disappointedly.

”Yeah, mm, he h- he just dropped, dropped by... had some things... to do.”

”Oh, shame, say hi to him for me when you see him again.”

”Mmm-hhmm.”

”Hey, maybe you two could come in for a dinner this weekend?”

”Sounds... amazing.” Mats pursed his lips and closed his eyes. His fingers were twitching. His dad eyed him skeptically.

”You don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought it'd be nice.”

”No no no no, we'll, we'll... come.” Mats made an effort of opening his eyes, forced a smile on his face.

”Is everything all right, Mats?”

”Ye-e-es, it's just... so much stuff to do, mmm, and I promised Benni I'd come... home... soon.”

”Okay, I'll leave you to it then.” His father looked a bit puzzled but didn't say anything more.

As soon as the door closed behind his father again, Mats collapsed onto his desk and started muttering.

”Benni you little motherfucker, I hate you so mu-u-u -” 

He never managed to end his curse, he was coming too hard. 

Benni crawled from under the desk, licking his lips.

”Matsi, you're so rude, driving your dad away like that.”

”Would you've preferred if he'd stayed?”

”I don't know, might've been fun.” Benni flashed a wicked grin.

Mats chose to ignore Benni, focus on catching his breath instead. Benni was going to be his death one of these days, but oh how he secretly enjoyed these shenanigans.

”I can't believe my dad just asked you for a dinner,” Mats muttered to the desk.

”Why? He loves me, I'm his favourite son-in-law.” Benni had moved on to cleaning his fingers by licking them.

”You're his only son-in-law.”

”Doesn't matter, I'm still the best son-in-law anyone can ever hope for,” Benni smiled smugly.

Sad thing was, Benni was right.

”Okay, I hear you have a lot of work to do, so I'll just head home. But I'll wait for you.” Benni bent closer to Mats, whispered to his ear, ”But you have to find me first before you can fuck me.”

Mats groaned. One of these days.

Benni left as chirpy as ever and Mats tried to concentrate on his work. He really did. For some reason though, his brain refused to think of anything else than Benni and his possible location once Mats would come home. He most certainly would not be in any of the bedrooms, that would be too predictable. Benni loved doing it in the shower, so he could be in the bathroom. Then again Benni also loved tormenting Mats, so he could be in the kitchen, in front of the large window facing the street. Or the balcony. Hope not. Maybe, just maybe Benni would be in the living room, on the couch or on the luscious, soft carpet they had there. It had been so romantic the last time they had enjoyed its warm and soft embrace. Mats could only hope that Benni wouldn't be hiding in one of the closets or somewhere else, so by the time when he'd finally find him he'd be mad with lust and anticipation. Oh god, hopefully Benni would be in the hallway, ready to be taken against the door as soon as Mats stepped inside.

There really was no point in working anymore. He needed to get home, right now.

 

Mats sat behind the wheel, tossed his things on the passenger seat and inserted the key to the ignition.

”Finally!”

Mats jumped to the air, his heart racing from surprise. He turned on his seat and laid his eyes on Benni, sprawled on the backseat, naked as the day he was born and stroking lazily his hard dick.

”Shit, Benni! You were supposed to go home!”

”Figured it'd be faster if I just waited you here.”

”What if someone saw you like that?!”

”Are you jealous?” Benni grinned seductively and turned on his side so he could better look Mats in the eyes. 

”Besides, it's dark outside and you have tinted windows. It's highly unlikely that someone will see you crawling here and entertaining me.”

”We are in the parking lot of my dad's company! I'm not fucking you here.” Mats peered around.

”Fine, drive where ever you want, but I'm not leaving this car until I get your dick inside of me.”

Mats turned back to the wheel. He would not have sex with Benni here, no matter how turned on he already was. Driving home though would take too long, and didn't remove the risk of public parking lot. The company's head quarters were in the middle of the city, full of people even this late in the evening, so parking somewhere there didn't seem too exciting of an option either. Mats tried to get his head straight. Where on earth could he go that was near enough but wouldn't pose too much risk of an exposure?

”Hurry Mats, or I have to start without you!” 

Mats gulped, gripped the steering wheel and started driving. He had no idea where to go, he just hoped he could find some place suitable, fast. He kept stealing glances of that captivating, alluring, beautiful human being on his back seat through his rear-view mirror, wanting nothing so bad than getting his hands on him, his lips on him, his – 

”Eyes on the road, Matsi! I'd hate to have sex in a middle of a crash site.”

Mats was getting desperate. He pulled up to a near-by park. There was not going to be a lot of people, not when it was already dark, right? He opened the windows just a slight, practically jumped to the back seat. There wasn't a lot of room for two tall men but he refused to make that an issue right now. There were other, more pressing issues to consider. Like Benni's cock against his stomach. 

God it was difficult to get out of suit trousers in a car.

They fumbled their way through sex, occasionally hitting their heads to the doors, kicking their feet to the front seats, getting support from the floor, clashing their teeth, but thoroughly enjoying the whole process. You couldn't really even notice such minor nuisances when you had a hot guy wrapped around you, pounding into you, moaning your name, coming just because of you.

 

”I love you, Mats,” Benni sighed blissfully afterwards, lying half on the floor and half on the seats, one feet tapping against the roof and one arm in the front seat, capturing Mats into a slow kiss.

”Yeah, yeah, I love you too, but can we please put some clothes on before someone sees us?” 

Benni just laughed, utterly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, guys! Thank you for each and every one of you who have commented and left kudos and bookmarked and just read this, I can't possibly emphasize enough how much it means to me. Never would have I imagined to get this warm of a welcome :)
> 
> I've quite enjoyed writing this, hope you have enjoyed reading this too. Let me know what you think of it, the good, the bad, the mediocre, everything. Yes, I'm aware that at least some of you will say this is too short, but I like how it works as a whole this way, so deal with it ;) This particular story will not continue, but I might come back to this universe later on with some other story. If you have anything specific that you'd like to read about, I'd be interested to hear about it :)
> 
> Love you <3


End file.
